My cup runneth over....

I had a dream.

I nestled it close to my heart like a mother guarding its cub.

I kept it away from all eyes and ears until I felt I could achieve it.

I cupped it in the crook of my palms and held it not too tight, not too loose.

I did not talk about it to people for the fear that it would not be so magical afterwards.

Like a fistful of sand that falls through the sieve leaving behind the fine grains, I polished it until it shone like a diamond, nurtured it until it grew into a sturdy thought, refined it until the coarse edges where smoothened, leaving only the cultured pearl within the oyster…

Then one day, another thought crept in… another kind of a reverie… a different sort of a vision…

It scared me until I could barely think about the changes that it would wreck on the unique reverie that I cherished…

It was like a breath of fresh air... it was radical, intrepid and daring… it still awoke that sense of nervousness in me at the thought of transformation or amendment of my novel thought…

And then like a careless whisper, it murmured into my being that it was there to help me evolve and not to completely alter me… like the soft fluttering of the leaves in the wind, it gave me hope… faith in it, to understand and appreciate the being that it was… it filled me with a sense of optimism that, together the thoughts and dreams, if merged into one, could make much more headway into making the possessors happier than what it was meant to be…

It filled me with a sense of elation and a new dream…

And my cup runneth over …..

INDIA Poised - Our time is now...

There was a video that made the rounds of the office mails a few months back.
A video which showed Amitabh Bachchan talking about INDIA.
It was an initiative by the Times of India and Times Now.
Titled INDIA Poised – Our time is NOW.
I have reproduced it here in the hope that people are aware of the change that’s taking place in our country.
Of course reading it here is not the same as listening to Amitabh talk about it. But I like it a lot and it does quite inspire or awaken something in people! At least it did so for me!
***************************************************************************************
There are 2 INDIAs in this country.

One INDIA is straining at the leash, eager to spring forth and live up to all the adjectives that the world has been recently showering upon us. The other INDIA is the leash.

One INDIA says give me a chance and I will prove myself. The other INDIA says prove yourself first and maybe then you will have a chance.

One INDIA lives in the optimism of our hearts. The other INDIA lurks in the skepticism of our minds.

One INDIA wants. The other INDIA hopes.

One INDIA leads. The other INDIA follows.

These conversions are on the rise. With each passing day more and more people from the other INDIA are coming over to this side.

And quietly. While the world is not looking.

A pulsating dynamic new INDIA is emerging.

An INDIA whose faith in success is far greater than its fear of failure.

An INDIA that no longer boycotts foreign made goods; but buys out the companies that makes them instead.

History, they say is a bad motorist. It rarely ever signals its intentions when it’s taking a turn.

This is that rarely ever moment.

History is turning a page.

For over half a century, our nation has sprung, stumbled, run, fallen, rolled over, got up and dusted herself and encountered; sometimes lurched on.

But now in our 60th year as a free nation, the ride has brought us to the edge of time’s great precipice and one INDIA, a tiny little voice at the back of the head is looking down at the bottom of the ravine and hesitating.

The other INDIA is looking up at the sky and saying, it’s time to fly.

Silence is Golden ... (sometimes!!)

She was quiet. Almost like her personality was in the silent mode like in a cell phone.

Quite contrasting to her personality! She was a chatterbox. Anyone who knew her would say that. She could go on and on and on about stuff… She would just not stop talking…

It was quite unlike her to be quiet. And even more so when there was no specific reason to it.

Nothing wrong with her mood. Everything was the same and it was quite a normal day.

Yet she was silent. And she just did not feel like talking! And she did not feel like giving an explanation as to why she was quiet. No one would understand even if they tried.

Because she did not have a reason. She just did not want to talk.

Abnormal? Unusual?

************************************************************************************

Has it ever happened to you that you just go silent? I mean even if there’s nothing wrong with you or nothing wrong with your mood! You just don’t feel like talking and least of all give anyone a specific reason as to why you are not talking!!

And then you get a hundred odd questions!

‘Why are you quiet? Is something wrong? Are you not feeling well? This is so unlike you! Is something bothering you? Did you have a fight with someone? Did someone hurt you? What happened to you?’

Whereas on a typical day it would go something like,

‘Can you just keep quiet for some time? How much you talk! Why do you keep going on and on and on… ? You are quite a chatterbox aren’t you? How come you can talk something on everything? I’ll pay you if you shut up for some time!’

Contradictory huh…!

Shows how change affects people in my opinion! Lol..!

But I have had a lot of days exactly like this…

I mean I am not always expected to be cheerful, smiling, pepped up right… I can have my off days or days when I choose to be off. Sometimes it is so weird that you don’t even have a clue as to what set you off or put you in a bad mood. And for all you know it might not be a bad mood at all…

I do not need a special reason to keep quiet. I can just go silent when I feel like and it does not taking anything from anyone, just my thoughts! But somehow people tend to perceive it as something gone wrong!

Wonder why!

Black, White or Gray!

How does it feel to get those fat droplets of rain fall on you and stand underneath it without a care in the world?

How does it feel to go walking along the lonely roads of the city at midnight, blowing little clouds on mist into the air and feel the cold still tugging at you through the jacket that you’ve worn?

How will it be to dance barefoot on a dew-drop filled terrace to your hearts’ content watching the first rays of the sun fall upon you?

How would it be to have a hot cup of tea in the middle of the night, watching the mist unfurl in the hours between darkness and light?

How does it feel to have a tiny tot touch you with its cute little fingers and cuddle up to you muttering sweet-nothings in the gibberish tongue that it speaks?

How does it feel when you come back after a long tiring day at work curl up in the easy chair with a glass of wine, soothing music and a good book, legs resting on the comforter, phone turned off, and just rest and relaxation surrounding you?

Does being free give you a complete picture of what the world looks like?

Does being in a relationship give you the sense of security and belongingness that we humans are always craving for?

Does being single help you notice things that you would otherwise be oblivious to?

Does breaking up with someone give you a whole new perspective on relationships or does it make you wary about the next relationship that comes your way?

Does the tug-of-war within your heart cease when you become on your own; to do what you want to; to be your own master; to take whatever decisions your heart/mind tells you to?

Compromises, Conciliations, Concessions, name it what you what, life is filled with this and much more… In the form of parents, spouse, siblings, friends, and people who care about you enough to protect you from the harsh realities of the so-called cruel world!

A desire to be free contrasting against the yearning to be wanted.

A longing to be free from the shackles that bind against the ache to be chained to the life that you are in now.

A strong wish to swim along with the flow of the mind against the pull of the heart.

There’s always a pull – push feeling.

A feeling of wanting to be in two places at once and having the best of both worlds.

Between the person I am and the person I want to be.

Friday Woes....

I HATE SITTING LATE ON A FRIDAY IN OFFICE WITH NOTHING TO DO... :-(

WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF PEOPLE REALIZED THAT WE HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OFFICE....

WOULD ALSO BE GLAD IF PEOPLE DID NOT MAKE ME SIT HERE SIMPLY WITH NO WORK, NO DEADLINES, OR FOR THAT MATTER ANYTHING TO DO....

WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND????

Disconnected...

Sometimes even with the closest of friends or relatives, you feel a disconnect… like you are in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person…

It would have been just minutes ago before you met the person that you would have been craving to meet up with them… missing them like crazy… waiting inanely for a word from them… any word… a gesture…

But when you actually meet them… then?? Then what happens? Nothing! Suddenly you feel like it’s better off not meeting them… at that point of time all you want to do is to be away at some other place … just not there..!! You don't feel like talking, you don't feel like you are a part of their world... You don't feel good about the fact that the tête-à-tête did not come out the way it was supposed to be...

Can’t explain it… Doesn’t feel good… But still happens!

Wonder why… Wonder how…

The craving’s satisfied… but the meeting is far from perfect…

Weird are the ways of the mind!!! Has it happened to you??

Yay... I have been tagged...!! :-)... Thank you Rat!! :-)

Yay!! Yay!! I have finally been tagged.... The curse has broken :D... Now I can stop picking up random tags from people’s blogs I browse... :-)
Thanks Rat!!

The tag:

Two questions in each category answer them and then tag your friends from the blog-o-sphere. (Simple enough right?)

Leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been tagged and you are all set.

I. Yesterday
A. Your oldest memories
› My bro’ – Achu – walking downstairs from our bedroom in the farmhouse with his tousled hair...
› Amma chasing us with a couple of books in her hand threatening us to do our homework.
› Going for a bath in the ‘parakulam’ at farmhouse with towels tied around in a kimono style... I still have photos from that time ;-)
› Walking up to the farmhouse with dad and Sahadevan – the caretaker. Falling down and hurting my knee on the jagged rock. Still have the scar to show for it.
› Going to school from the farmhouse sitting on my headmistress’ lap while the older girls poked fun... (I was 4-5 then!)
› Playing with Sergeant – our dog.
› Falling down the steps outside the KG classroom when I went to leave my bro’.... Almost like Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – Blame it on the school bag!
› Going on the bike with dad and mom – sitting almost on the petrol tank... :-)
› Listening to Thatha calling me ‘the most impertinent and arrogant girl he had ever known.’
› Listening to Thatha (this one is my mom’s dad) praising me in front of other cousins...
› Crying in school for the play they had chosen me for – to be an angel – saying I will not do it...!!
› Getting caned by the headmistress for breaking a rule... (yeah! I had an eventful childhood)
› Trying to make our pet parrot sing a Malayalam song and failing miserably in that!
› Sleeping on the long ‘oonjal’/’aatukattil’ in the farmhouse on my granddad’s lap...

Lots more.... but that will take up a post all by itself...!!!


B. What were you doing ten years ago?
› Getting geared up for Standard 10th exams listening to all those gory-stories of what would happen if I did not do well in it....
› Practicing for the tableau for the inter school district youth festival...
› Talking to Vaish for hours over the phone ...
› Various tuitions including one for Malayalam where we had to learn all those huge essays...
› Riding my bicycle at great speed on the colony roads (I had just learnt to ride it then!) and getting scolded by one of the ‘chettans’ in the colony chiding me for riding so fast...
› Hiding storybooks in the middle of the textbooks to smuggle and read it...
› Dance practices with Gopakumar sir...

II. Today
A. Your first thought in the morning
› I still have not gotten Ashwin’s wake-up call.... There’s still some more time to sleep... :-)
B. If you build a time capsule what would it contain?
› My diairies [the future should know what i was upto;-)], Lots of books that I enjoyed reading, some good A.R.Rahman music and cretain other evergreen melodies, the link to my blogs etched on a rock (Yeah I have a ‘certain high impression’ about myself! :P), photos of this time here and now!... :-)

III. Tomorrow
A. This year…
› New Job. New City. New language. New environment. New people. New lease on life.
› Trips with my gang here to Vizag, Narasapur, Hampi...
› Celebrating Anna’s birthday by organizing a surprise party for him right under his nose...
› The New Year’s at Kalyan’s place and the huge teddy he gifted me...
› Aakanksha sleeping in the nook of my arm...
› Moving out of the apartment we stayed in to a PG
› The hike and confirmation for the job I am in currently...
› Getting committed for life... :-)
› Bad experiences with a couple of people I never thought would happen...
› The fact that I realized who is who and how much of an impact someone can have on me.The fact that I came to know who I was and who I am not.

B. What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?
› Settled for life. Good career. Kids. Family life. Still practicing Dance! :-)

The calm after the storm....

She stood watching him go.

The irate strides. The angry gait. The frown on the face. The stiff shoulders. The clenched fists.

She was scared … about how things might turn out to be…

They had had a fight… not a big one… nor a serious one… but a fight all the same… it was their usual. But this time it seemed different somehow.

And for some reason this time around she was starting to feel livid. Livid because it was not her fault.

It was not her fault that he said something that annoyed her and she retorted back. It was not her fault that he got upset at the fact that she snapped at him. Most surprisingly because it was the first time that she was replying back angrily to him. Probably that was why he was upset.

She had always been careful around him. Keeping her tongue in check. Holding back her words. Keeping under wraps what she actually felt. All because she did not want him to feel bad. Or get hurt. Or worse than that not cause a problem for herself. Avoidance or escapism she did not know what it was!

But this time around she had not been able to hold back her emotions as effectively as she usually did.

They were supposed to go out on a date the next day. An entire day all for themselves. She had planned so many things for them. She had even planned a couple of surprises. All down the drain now.

She looked at his retreating back wondering if she should call him back. She did. He never even acknowledged the cry. With each time the cry grew more plaintive in nature. Tears flowed down her eyes freely. She sobbed and asked him to stop. Suddenly she was scared. Scared because of the insecurities haunting her. What would happen if he ended it? What would happen if he did not even bother about her?

She walked back to her room dejectedly. Let herself into her room and threw herself on to the bed. Wept her heart out. Sobbed like a baby.

She tried calling him. He did not pick up. She messaged him. He did not respond. She still did not give up. She kept trying. He switched off his phone.

She felt insulted. Offended. Scared. Angry. Snubbed. She felt the rage coursing through her. She was fuming. But her mind was calm and logical. She had had enough of this.

An ice-cold chillness swept through her. It was incredible the way emotions took hold of her. She was feeling sad, happy, relieved, scared, angry, calm all at once.

The chillness was delicious.

She read herself to sleep.

Sometime during the night, her phone beeped. A message came from him.

Nothing but a ‘Goodnight’.

She could feel that delicious chillness spreading through her again. She went back to sleep.

Early in the morning at around 6:00 she got a call from him. She was sleepy when the phone rang. Wide awake when she saw who it was calling. She picked it up and he asked her; “Are we not going on our date? Is it not time you were ready?”

She was stunned. Taken aback by surprise.

What went through this guy’s mind? Did not he remember the previous night’s events’? Had he forgotten them so soon? Did he not want to talk about it?

She realized that she had never understood him. His mind’s workings.

She told him very curtly – “I have not slept a wink last night. I want to sleep.”

He simply said “OK”.

She went back to sleep.

A peaceful undisturbed deep sleep.

No dreams. No nightmares.

She had sobbed like a baby half the night through. Now she slept like one.

Welcome to the blog world...

I have this habit of browsing the net for blogs usually through links on other people’s blogs… one blog to another to speak of… and of course in the process I have discovered a lot of blogs written wonderfully well by people which I keep track off once in a while… and recently I discovered that quite a lot of my friends have blogs of their own… and this I found out when I was blog-browsing…

It’s quite surprising because for one I would not have pegged them as bloggers... pleasantly surprised is what I would say…

Of course I have nothing against them blogging… I am all for it… Join the bandwagon guys… :-)
But it’s quite funny when you think of the fact that you never even actually considered them to be of the ‘blogger-kind’. I thought they preferred to be quiet… but shows how wrong I am!
And I am proud of them… not because they’re blogging… but because they are choosing to open themselves up to the outside world… and to a set of people who might know them or who might not…

I guess this is what is meant by ‘appearances can be deceptive’…. :-)

But now I say ... "Welcome Fellas!"

Knitted Yarn...

The disclaimer exists no more…

I have moved all my ‘italicized’ posts… labeled as ‘Knitted Yarn’… to a new blog by the same name…

http://knitted-yarn.blogspot.com

I figured I will continue weaving my stories and spinning my yarns, fabricating lives over there… and have this blog for my normal life... :-)

Makes sense to me…!!

Little Bo Peep

She was a little girl.

She liked dolls. She enjoyed playing house. She loved to dress up in her mom’s saris, jewellery, put on makeup and feel as though she was all grown up.

She loved reading. She loved the way her imagination took over her and transported her to a fantasy land where everything had a happy ending.

She loved dancing. She loved the way her feet were steady when she tiptoed on them and the way they willingly bided her wishes.

She loved music. She loved the way the wind whispered in her ears and gave her music along with the trees and the rivers.

She loved being with people. She loved talking.

She loved being the cynosure of all eyes.She never judged people and trusted all and sundry.

She believed that all people were good and that everyone was nice and sweet and that no one would hurt anyone.

And then… She grew up!!

Que Sera Sera...

One step forward.

Into a new realm of life.

Blissful oblivion. Or not??

That one instant when time impedes, the world falls to a still, thoughts tumble over one another to gain precedence, when your entire life flashes over in a few frames… sepia tinted edges… black and white portraits…

A spatter of sentiments, a pepper of feelings, the gloom of doom, a silver lining amidst the haze, the adulation of a lifetime, an undying rage, the peep of a droplet in the iris, a dash of laughter, a sprinkle of desire, …..

Those umpteen instances that flashes, flickers and then sputters out …. More like those crackers that we used to buy for festivals, the fizzle, the boom, and then the fading smoke…. Life was all like that right…??? Or not…??? Maybe… maybe not…

If only… then maybe… perhaps… definitely…

The difference between a rut and a grave is only its depth… So true... So poignant..

What was this for in the present situation …A rut? A grave?

A new life?

Or the entanglement of the old one?

Vestiges of an empty mind.

Ruins of a dilapidated life.

Building up from where it was left. Trudging ahead with fortitude.

Que Sera Sera…

Footprints in the water....

They were like footprints in water.

Washed away.

And nothing remains!!!

How often have we thought that this is something/someone we will never ever forget for the rest of my life… and then it happens! They just fade away… they just grow lighter and fainter until they become just a blur and then they vanish.

The days I spent with them are like that.

They are in the blur stage now. It’s only a matter of time until they disappear.

And I do not know whether I am happy or sad about it.

Happy that for a short while at least I loved it or rather I thought I did. I am happy living in that mirage.

That portrait that I hold in my mind is the one that I treasure. And the one I would like to hold onto.

Sad that it ended the way it ended.

Regrets – Yes! Misgivings – No!

And that’s where the difference lies.

Synonymous words. But diverse meanings when looked at in a sense above the mundane.

Someone said – “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?”

True that is.

Time and again.

Pandora's Hope...

She stood at the window watching him go.

He turned back and gazed at her. With a twinkle in his eyes.

A smile creased his face. A smile full of warmth and care. A smile that said ‘I am there for you whatever you do, where you go and whatever happens!’

She could not believe her luck. Or rather her fortune. That was how it should be termed now.

He was all that she ever wanted in life; just that she had never realized it. She had been caught in a time-warp thinking she was someone else, acting like someone she was not. And now she knew the truth.

The human is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for s/he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.

She could be herself with him. She knew he would appreciate that. He would not stop her from doing what she wanted. He thought she was strong, confident and tough. She knew better.

Of course, she would always project herself as this suave, smart, go-getter. Someone who speaks her mind always when she was confronted with something. That was her. That was who she wanted to be. And that was how she portrayed herself in the meager hope that maybe someday it would be perceived as true.

But now she knew. She was that girl.

At least to him.

He believed in her.

And that gave her the strength.

Of earth and sea and the oceans free.....

She stared out of the train window…. It was drizzling lightly outside… she let the raindrops patter over her hand that she held out…. It felt so relieving… almost as if Mother Nature was telling that she was cleansing her mind and body, heart and soul … giving her a fresh start… and a fresh start it was! A fresh start… a new beginning… an unsullied, unmarked beginning… washing away all the scars and blemishes and rendering her as whole once again…

She had walked away from her previous life (yes! That’s how she termed it now)… a life filled with mistrust, suspicion, fights and brawls, tears and angst… the only thing that she could think of now about that phase of her life when she was happy or rather thought she was, was when … was when… was when… she could not dredge up even one instance… she smiled sardonically… not even one instance that she could recall of being happy in the past… and she had thought when she was in the midst of that bond that everything was hunky-dory, cloud nine, and in bliss… a quote came to her mind… a sarcastic quote –

“And what’s romance? Usually, a nice little tale where you have everything As You Like It, where rain never wets your jacket and gnats never bite your nose and it’s always daisy-time.”

Now that’s probably when pigs will fly and wishes will be horses…

She had undergone a lot during these past few years… but most of all, she had lost a lot… self-respect, confidence, her image in her own eyes, her independence, freedom… nothing materialistic, nothing acquisitive, in that sense… but a lot in the worldly sense… her days and nights were peppered with bouts of suspicion on her leading to stress, spells of despair and depression, fights all the time… for small things, trivial, and insignificant… her peace of mind had literally gone to pieces… she was forced to walk out of that….

Even when she took that drastic discussion of walking out, she was in a quandary …. A catch-22 situation… what would her close ones say… how would they react?? Their common friends… their families… their well-wishers… always praised as one of the best paired couples around… admired and commended by various people who knew them, their virtues extolled and their lives set as an example for others…. An outward act… like the bitter-sweet taste that was left in her mouth… she could neither spill her heart out or swallow the hurt and pain…. But all said and done, it was easier than she expected… when she had to take that final step, the ultimate act of cutting herself off the bond, the cord that bound them together… she had done it… unflinchingly… the fear was there… still there… but the anticipation of a gratis life… of being a free bird… it was overwhelming… and that was what made her walk off without a backward glance….
She looked around at the compartment…. An old woman was doing her daily prayers… “Namaz” it was called… a young lass was sitting on the seat opposite to her sipping coffee… She could see the swirls of the coffee reflected in the young girls’ glasses… people were ensconced in their own lives doing the things which made them happy… or maybe they did not have any choice… who knows? Was it just her life that was all messed up… who knows??She had promised herself that she would not walk down the lanes of these memories again… she would not re-live the pain and the hurt… the shame that she suffered, more than anything in her own eyes… but sometimes she could not help it… the past came rushing back at her with a vengeance sometimes… poking fun cruelly at her for her mistakes… mistakes that she had brought upon herself…

But no more! This was a new beginning… or an appropriate end… whichever way you looked at it…

She would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what her heart led her to and wondering what life had been like if she’d just been herself.

She was not going to be anyone’s puppet anymore… she was going to be her own master and live life on her terms… she owed at least that much to her life and her creator…

She was beginning afresh….

Flash of thunder… Lightning struck.. And then it rained…

Thud…Thud...Thud… Flutter…Thud…Thud…Thud…Flutter…

That’s my heart… beating madly like a caged bird…

I saw HIM again today… near the lifts…

Weak knees…rainbow in the horizon…music in my ears…

And I still do not understand why I go to pieces like this when I see HIM… I don’t know him from Adam… I don’t know which unit in my office he works for… I don’t know whether he is married/single/gay/bi or god-knows-what!!! But he looks so cute…

I still remember the first time I saw HIM in the cafeteria with a girl … Irony… I guessed they were going around… In spite of my thoughts, they looked good together… like the perfect couple… you know, like those dolls of the bride and groom on the wedding cake… I wanted to smash it!!! Cake and all… this was the scene for a couple of episodes more and the guy never even glanced at me… It was like I never even existed in that world of his… And then as suddenly as they appeared, the couple disappeared… it was just HIM now…

Wondered for a couple of days as to where the girl went… did she go off on an onsite assignment? Maybe she got married (high hopes!)?? Maybe she got a new job (good riddance!)?? … Then I stopped thinking about her disappearance … after all I had better things to think of… Courtesy HIM. :-)

I did not understand why I was behaving like a silly teenager… It was not like I was seeing a guy for the first time… God knew that I have seen enough in my life so far… My knees literally went weak when I saw him… my heart went on a rampage… thoughts of him – us filled my head… and still I did not have the courage to talk to him, to muster even a smile, to say hi and get talking… Nopes! I got cold feet… Me who has always been an extrovert… Me who never found it hard to get a conversation started… it all kind of got lost in his dimples..!!!

I kept seeing him, bumping into him in the cafeteria or on his floor where we used to go for coffee… not that we did not have a coffee vending machine in our floor… the floor below gave us more privacy to bitch about our work … but I am going off on a tangent now.. Away from the topic… I kept seeing him once in a while… random appearances… he never once looked at me… or even if he did, he averts his eyes quickly, as though someone will admonish him… Silly guy!!

Then one day, he gave me a weird look so as to say “I know what you are thinking…And it’s never going to happen!!!” Almost as if he was thinking of me in a very sarcastic, arrogant manner… like he was Greek God Adonis or something… Almost as if I never would ever exist for him even if I was at my alluring best!!

And poof! There it went… thanks to that male egoistic superiority complex riddled fool…

Ok, that’s just my assumption as to what he thought… but it was quite a weird look… and anyways maybe it’s an excuse for me to not give him or his thoughts time of the day… and there it all ended… even before it started…

Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend….

A hot cup of coffee, vapors rising off the cup in a haze, clouding her face…

Raindrop rhythms pitter-patter on the roof….

The faint scent of the freshly washed earth lingers in the olfactory long after Mother Nature has shown her wonders…

She sits by the window-sill holding the cup inside her hands willing it to spread its warmth to her as well…

Rains have a strange way of making one reminisce; ….

Brings back memories and along with it fresh aches and stab… things of the past beckon to her… signals and gestures her to unlock those carefully preserved memories, brush them out of their hiding place, glance through them once more and then push them back inside into the deep recesses of her mind where they would stay safe until the next time it rained….

What had happened to her life… from who she was to how she is…. From the person she was to the one she had become… transformation some call it… … or in the most esoteric sense metamorphosis… good, bad, ugly – she did not know…

What changed her?? Why did she become like this?? She was a carefree, happy-go-lucky, bubbly girl… when did she change into this dull, dreary droopy girl???

She fell in love… And she fell hard!

No, it was not like the movies… nor like the books she read… lightning did not strike, bells did not chime, no one swept her off her feet… but she still fell hard for Him. He was nothing different from the rest of the tribe she associated him with. He had nothing special so as to speak of… until then she did not know that she could be capable of such love…. Unconditional, pure, unadulterated absolute love….

He was cute, alright! That curly mop of hair that flopped over his forehead every time he shook his head… the way his eyes lit up when she walked into the room… the way she missed him when he left the room even for a minute… when she was with him, she was unmindful of the rest of the world… they simply did not exist for her! She was that much in love…

She had met him when she was waiting for her bus in front of her college… it was raining again that day and both of them looked miserable standing in that downpour …. They had bonded instantly! He came to her and stood shyly without uttering a word… she was the one who started talking to him… come to think of it… she was the only one who ever spoke!!! He only listened!! And how sweet is that!!!

They spent almost all their time together after that… where she went he followed her like Mary’s little lamb… if she got angry at him he would not eat but just sit and sulk until she called to him and soothed him with consoling words, and pacified him…

They had had such wonderful moments together …. Going for long walks, sitting on the beach looking at countless sunsets, munching on the snacks at the beach, playing tag, walking back home tired and muddy…. And of course rains! Who could ever forget that!! That special tribute that they paid to rain together, standing for hours under the spray of cloudburst, but running inside the moment it changes to thunderstorms… as she recollected he was always scared of thunderstorms… a faint smile tugs at the corners of her lips… there were so many of those memorable moments that she could recall…

Until that fateful day!! The fight and the aftermath…

It had been so silly! He had spilt a bottle of ink on her project idea… she had been working on it all day long and it was in its finishing stages… she was quite proud of it… it was something that she had been living and breathing (apart from him of course!) for about 2 months and she was almost close to completing it and wrapping it up… he had come rushing in to the room to show her something and had accidently jostled the bottle of ink… Splash! It fell all over her hard slog and the hours she had put in burning the midnight oil… all were washed away in hues on blue, red and black…. In that moment of fury, rage took over and she had shouted at him… she was unmindful of the words she said… he tried cajoling her and begging her forgiveness… she was unrelenting until he rushed out of the house…

The next thing she heard was tires screeching to a halt on the asphalt… horns blowing, a yelp of pain and then silence!!!

She ran outside to find him lying still on the path… unmoving… lifeless… frozen in that moment of time…

And just like that she had lost her best friend… the one being she had held close to her heart… the one soul she had loved with all her heart…

How could someone change her so much?? How could someone show her how much they meant to her?? There was not a moment that she did not regret it…

It had been abt a month now! The letters were almost faint on the tombstone where she had buried him!!! But she could still make it out…

“The times spent with you are like memory’s treasure; the beauty of which has no measure…!”

She thought... He thought...

She thought he was obnoxious. He thought she had loads of attitude for nothing.

She thought he was ill-mannered. He thought she was stuck-up.

This was not how it was or should have been…. This was what it was a week after they met at college.

Him with his thick-almost-opaque glasses, unruly bushy hair, ungainly gait, he had come running to her that first day, when she was with her dad at the bank opening her account. She was taken aback for a minute when he had bounded towards her like a big shaggy dog.

She with her dad, wearing a salwar-kameez, clumsily balancing the various pieces of paper that were hell-bent on slipping from her hands. Diffident, keeping a stony face, not exhibiting any kind of outward emotion, praying that the 2 years here better be good or else…

They shook hands, got introduced to each other and parted ways until they met in class the next day.

Next day was no better. They spoke minimum and in the course of a few minutes he was the only one talking and she was pretending to listen, her mind elsewhere… they drifted apart in a few days and he found new interests and so did she. New friends, different gangs, varied interests, girl-friends and boy-friends…. They hated each other in college. Could not stand the sight of each other. Hated each others’ guts. Tried to put each other down at every given opportunity. And in every sense, proved to everybody that they were the worst enemies.

Days passed. They were thrown together at regular intervals during the course of studies – assignments, programmes, classes, presentations, a lot not unlike the rest of the batch. They still hated each other. They could not wait for the assignments and the class work to get over so that they could get back to hating each other… being subtly sarcastic about everything the other did. Sounds like the beginning of a love story??? Not quite!!!

Classes got over, placements began. To their dismay they were placed in the same company. Same place. Same company. Staying together along with a bunch of other friends. Not quite the idea each had in mind for the freedom they craved, the independence they sought. Life did not get any better.

They broke up with their respective boyfriend/girlfriend, moved on in life… and still never quite managing to like each other.

He still hated her attitude or the lack of one as he called it. She thought he had just grown worse with time. Verbal lashings, slamming of doors, irritating obnoxious behavior, calling each other all sorts of names … all of this continued.

But now somewhere along the way, things changed a bit. She got to know more about him and so did he. They still did not change their opinion about each other. But now talking to each other got real easy. Things unsaid they understood within a jiffy. He still hated her way of life and she his.

He thought she was rigid and unbending. She thought he was careless and sloppy.

Maybe the fact that they belonged to the same sun sign, maybe the fact that they were not actually interested in each other from that point of view but at least it helped that they could freely talk about anything that they wanted regardless of what the other thought. They just did not care about that!

A year has passed since they have been thrust together in being cordial and friendly and somehow it’s not as bad as one thinks it would be.

He still thinks that she should get a life and enjoy it more often than restricting herself. But he also admires the fact that she chooses to do what she wants to keep herself happy irrespective of societal constraints.

She still thinks that he is a shoddy intolerable freak who does not care about anyone else other than himself. But she also likes the fact that she can speak to him openly and he would not be judgmental.

You cannot term them best friends, or even good friends. But friends they are….

Do they care for each other?? Maybe not in the way that they do for the ones they love.

Do they like each other?? Of course they do… but in a purely platonic way….

But friends they are…

Not one to turn in strife or to cry together over split milk… that too… but more than that to talk to each other not bothered about what the other one thinks… no strings attached… no rules in place…. Because they simply do not care…!!!

Are they friends forever?? Only time will tell…

Its a long story....

She leaned back in her chair.

The antique vintage clock on the wall showed the time as ten minutes past the witching hour.

A low humming she discerned to be her own voice … “Happy birthday to me!!! Happy Birthday… Happy Birthday to me… May God bless me…!”

Stop!…

God Bless her??? Why would She?? What reason did She have to bless her? Much rather that she would be punished… or maybe the fact that she was standing there all alone on her birthday was proof enough that God had punished her!!!

Funny she had thought of God as a SHE… probably her feminism streak was influencing even the unquestioned and unanswered…

She slackened her neck muscles and looked out on to the surroundings bathed in the silvery moonlight… She was working late… today as well… From her room at the office the view was mesmerizing! It more or less reminded her of her roots… the ways God found to keep one grounded in their life!!! Every time she looked out at the sun setting, a golden ball in the far horizon, it reminded her of a great majestic power coming to a rest…. Was there something symbolic in that as well??? She looked around at the room she was standing in… a huge oval shaped room, with plush carpeting on the floors, regal chairs for the professional visitors to sit, a high-backed swiveling chair for her to get from one end of the table to the other end, almost like a mile away… a huge mahogany table fitted with the state-of-art system for her to efficiently conduct her meetings… lush, soft sofas for her to entertain the more important clients… what not! She was after all the most privileged employee of the company… the one who got them their most influential clients… one of the high level leaders who had the rights to hire and fire anyone… that was influential!! A sardonic smile played on her lips!!

She thought back to over the years when she had joined the organization… a young, carefree, blithe girl… she had grown leaps and bounds in this past decade…from a regular as like everyone else team member to a high-ranking, prominent individual… as per the company’s growth curve she was on fast track… her nickname around this place and in circles she moved in was ‘Dark Horse’…

She had proved all of them wrong... all her detractors… all her critics, even the cynical ones! They said she was naïve and inexperienced …. That she did not understand the rules of the corporate world… that she was subservient where she ought to be and aggressive where she needed to be… Wrong weren’t they about her?? Mistaken?? She felt a giggle rise all the way up her throat and threaten to break free into a guffaw… she suppressed the feeling and tried to focus on the job at hand…

Thoughts strayed… Views drifted… Outlooks differed…

She had done nothing out of hand or behind anyone’s back…

It was her honest work that spoke for itself and got her to where she was… but now look at her! Look at her state!

She had given up too much in order to get where she was… when she compared herself with the past person she was, she found that she preferred the past to the present caricature… the person she was had so much more than the person she is…

Her family, her friends, her love, everything that she held meaningful and potent in the past was lost to her… not lost in the true sense of the word… more so detached than anything else.. She never had the time or the inclination to keep up with precedent relationships over the past and soon slowly they had drifted away from her… she used to keep reminding herself that she should call, visit, meet up with friends and folks but somehow the frenetic pace of the world that she was a part of now did allow her that leeway… not that she could not have not done anything about it. She was the one who chose not to! She was the one who decided which world held more priority and which did not… it was her CHOICE at the end…

Her cell phone suddenly rang!!

A jarring sound distorting the finely woven threads of silence that she had enveloped herself in… she wondered who it could be at this late hour!

Maybe someone remembered… maybe she was in someone’s thoughts after all… God knew they were all in hers… Everyone whom she held close to her heart were still in hers…

Her mind skimmed through the people she thought might be calling her now… was it her mom/dad? Maybe her bro? Or hold on was it Him??? Had he decided to forgive her???

In that single flash of a few seconds, her mind went back to that day when she had met Him last… the day it had ended and started at the same time… she had gone to speak her heart out with him but somehow it was Him who spoke that day… everything that he had ever held inside him for all those years, he spewed out everything and that too in no uncertain terms…. In a sense, she had missed the bus! And along with the bus Him too….

She looked down at her phone to see who was calling… an unknown number…

She picked it up warily… muttered “hello” into it…

“Happy Birthday to You… Happy Birthday to you… happy birthday to you… may God bless you… May God bless you dear!! Happy birthday to you…”

That voice… It sent shivers down her spine, tingles through her arms…

It was HIM…

She guardedly said “thank you”…

He was the same… exuberant, cheerful with a happy disposition as she remembered … never had he not crossed her thoughts each day… every waking minute she thought of him and how she had hurt him…

She spoke to him. Decided on plans to meet and talk the next day.

She smiled to herself… an expression that she had not caught sight on her face for a long time…

The silver lining in her cloud had finally shone through...

Tears of Joy

"He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me… He loves me not…!!!

The same litany has been playing over my head for the past couple of days…

Does he love me? Or am I just another person to him?? Does he consider me as significant?? Does he love someone else..?? Is someone else more important to him than I am? I am sure he loves me… I am sure he considers me important… Has he not told me that himself so many times… Every time I snuggle up to him and rest my head on his broad shoulders and he soothes away the creases on my forehead with his hands, Every time I hold his hand and he looks at me with those patient eyes willing me to open myself up to him… Every time I find excuses to be near him and just have him touch me… be it a ruffling of the hair, a tweaking of the nose, a pat on the back, a tug on my ponytail, or just plain holding my hand to show solidarity…. It feels so good… it feels like I belong… it feels like I am wanted…

We’ve had fights… and like how!! We’ve fought like cats and dogs over issues so trivial that now when I think of it, it seems so funny! Of course that’s not to say we’ve not had serious fights… fights that have left both of us in tears… fights that have scarred our minds in angst… but it always healed… no slight cracks… no gashes or remnants!! But now when I think of it… I feel a strange kind of alarm… an odd panic that rushes through me when I think of the future…a sense of dread that fills me up from within..!! Maybe he did take it a little more seriously… the fights… maybe he actually has not forgotten about them…he always did have an elephantine memory… (A faltered smile!)

It used to be so easy for us to understand each others’ nuances… a glance, a look, an expression, a swift meeting of the eyes, a smile tugging the corners of the cheeks… it used to be so easy, so uncomplicated!! But now… I don’t know!! Somehow after what happened I can’t seem to find that special connection that we shared… it’s almost like it’s withered away, shriveled into nothingness… a vague feeling of emptiness growing inside me… There’s a distance that seems to be creeping up between us… I can feel it when accidently our fingers brush… it’s almost like he’s not so bothered about the aloofness between us…

Ever since he announced it yesterday at the dining table, as smoothly as knife slicing into butter, just like his words sliced into my heart…my heart has been thumping loudly… there is SOMEONE ELSE! Someone else he has found... someone better than me to spend time with… someone who would now give him company for everything… now he would not depend on me…!! He would forget about me!! Or would he… he announced it so calmly yesterday… but I caught the look of happiness on his face! That fleeting expression, the mindless gaze… I had not seen it very often… maybe once or twice in our entire time together!!... What could I say to that??

I am happy for him but now my happiness is gone right out of the window… I feel jealous of the person he has chosen… envious of her… they go everywhere together these days… shopping, walks, movies, choosing invitation cards, buying stuff for their new life together… couple of times they invited me too… but it tore me apart to see the closeness they shared… I declined later on…. I did not wish to spread my feeling of gloom onto their lives too…

I saw the first draft of the invitation…

I felt tears cloud my vision…

My brother was getting married…

Getting married to his long time sweetheart…

The wedding invitation glazed over with my tears…."

Old Memories... Young Hopes.. Pieces of Dreams...

A gust of wind fluttered around her… a chill passed through her spine… she wound her fur-jacket tightly across herself and continued walking… the teardrop that stood like a beaded jewel on her cheek frozen thanks to the wintry weather, spiraled down as though being propelled by the blast of air that enclosed her from all sides…. Her hands grew numb even inside the gloves… she wondered for a minute if it was due to the coldness that crept through her heart or the climate that was threatening to freeze her to death??? Either ways she was going to be cold for a long while…

She was nervous!! She who had always been cocksure of everything… she was the confident one… the one who had a solution to every problem… the one who could turn the atmosphere around her to smiles in an instant… the privileged soul whom a lot of them sought to be like… she had EVERYTHING after all… everything that she had ever craved for and some that she did not even long for… but what was she nervous about?? What was that eerie feeling that crept at her inner self when she was alone… what were these unwanted thoughts that skulk around in her mind when she was by herself… what were these dark alleys through which the deep channels of her mind traverse… why couldn’t she be normal, ordinary, sane like the rest of her people were… why did she torture herself by behaving like a scaredy-cat??

Scared?? Scared of what?? Why?? Who?? She who had everything in her life… she who was the ‘fortunate one’ as tagged by those around her… she who was the happy-go-lucky person… what did she have to be scared of? She had people to take care of her… people who would move mountains for her and bring to her on a platter the salve for any kind of pain she sought… and why would she be in pain in the first place?? Was she not the other end… the one that causes pain rather than being caused…!! But as she knew, pain could be of various kinds… some physical, some mental, some metaphysical, some that are minuscule, some that are small, some that are big, some that are astronomical, some that she was sure she could handle, some she was not too sure she could handle, some that she were skeptical of, some that she just laughed away… now she was digressing… her thoughts were going awry…

Concentrate! Concentrate!

She of all people should know what it was to concentrate… the way her brows furrowed and her forehead knitted when she was trying to dredge up something from her memory… had she not done it umpteen times… whenever she had to remember a particular recipe, when she had to think of a particular person, when she had to recollect an address, when she had to summon up a number, when she reminiscences of her childhood carefree days…

But nowadays it seems to be a little too often… this contemplation of various things… this invoking of certain thoughts, this appealing to the mind and brain to bring something to the fore…. She has been wondering why for some time now… Lack of concentration? Distractions in various forms? Absentmindedness? Forgetfulness? What can it be termed as… those days when she had things on her fingertips seem to be long gone… those days when she used to be the one stop point of contact for everyone has bypassed… they seem to be eons ago…

Oh! Who’s this?? Who’s been keeping a watch on her movements and thoughts? Who’s been stealthily keeping a track of her acts and deeds?!! She vaguely remembers a face like that, a wistful look, the remnants of a smile, the clenching and unclenching of the hands, the stiff body…!!! She wondered why…

Well… that’s all her life seemed to be these days… wondering about something, surprised of things that come up..!!!

Ever since she had that mishap, she was like this!!!

Lost in thoughts!!

Lost… Forgotten… Gone….

Dust to dust… Ashes to Ashes….

Knitted Yarn

Stories that I weave in my head...
Yarn that i spin...
Threads of dreams...
Swatches of reality...
All fabricated into a story... A tale...
Abstract as it may be... Clear cut as it turns out...

They are just knitted yarn!!!

[These are just stories that I make up in my head.
They do not relate to me or to any other person that I know of.
Any resemblance to any person; living or dead or any instance is purely coincidental. ]

Me and my stupid random thoughts....

You know… sometimes I feel like I did a big mistake with this blog…

Like I write a truthful but carefully edited version… or like I am trying to please all and sundry about what I am writing in the blog… or that which I am going to write…

Before I even put something in as a post, it goes through a zillion edits… cut this word out… change this word... Don’t put in that sentence… what would he/she think if they read your blog and found out you said this about them… oops… that would be a big blunder…

More often than not, I come across stuff that I really want to write in my blog about… incidents that have happened in my life… stuff that I would like to warn other people from not doing… a stray occurrence here… an event there… and this happens almost every day… millions of moments that I find.. Zillions of stuff that I read about… hundreds of instances that I want to pen… scores of people I want to write about… but the editing process begins again..! I wonder why..!! I mean why can’t I write about people the way they are… why can’t I write about my life and what has happened with me in the way I want to… why can’t I write about something the way I think of it in my mind without even bringing that hated word ‘change’ into it??

Okie it is definitely not like I have to ask someone’s permission before I post something about anything. I don’t need to… it’s my blog and I will do what I want with it… I mean I can do what I want with it right… so when did I start thinking about what other people would think if I posted something on a particular topic… I have always believed that I am the kind of person who calls a spade a spade... yeah I might have compromised a lot of times, watched my mouth, and not said what I was thinking… but most times if it is not someone whom I care about then I shoot off my mouth and I do not regret it…

I guess mainly I change/edit stuff ‘coz I am thinking about the way people would judge me… and god knows I have had enough ‘judgment days’ in the recent past… I do not need another person’s mumbled-under-his-breath curse to wreck havoc in my already fun-filled life… but then that means I am compromising… oh god..!! This is driving me nuts… and that too in circles...

I write about a lot of stuff in my blog… or rather I have written… about myself… my family… stories I cook up in my head… reviews of films and books… issues that have concerned me and all of that… and all of them a carefully edited version of whether it would find public acceptance… Okie more often than not… It’s highly frustrating… because I change it ‘coz I know there are going to be people reading it who will be making a judgment about me … about the way I am… and about how my thoughts and views are… and what not…

I wish that I could be as carefree as a bird and say that I do not care… but the truth is that I do care… but sometimes it just irritates me to no end that I have to think and put in carefully-worded sentences in my post without trying to offend anyone… well…. Maybe it’s time I closed this blog and started one on a fresh note…! :-)… some posts of course I would keep… but I would miss the comments for sure... :P… have had some very interesting comments and conversations through my blog…

Will surely let you guys know if I decide to start afresh…

Till then… adios…

PS: I did not edit even one word of this while typing and I am proud of myself... :-)