Amba - The Mahabharata Chronicles #12 - Part 1

She had just one thought. She hoped that she would remember everything from this life that she was giving up. All the fear, all the hurt and most importantly, the fury.

With Shiva’s name on her lips, she stepped into the scorching pyre.

---X---

The girl looked around furtively. No one was around. Neither her parents, nor the courtiers, not even the guards. She was prepared this time. Dragging a spear, twice her height and multiple times her weight, she poked the garland. Trying to dislodge it. She poked and prodded for what seemed like an eternity until the garland, fell – right over her neck.

Ever since she had lain eyes on them, she had wanted them. She was curious and a little bit scared, because everyone else in the palace revered it to the extent of praying in front of it. For what felt like a few minutes, she fingered the lotuses on the garland. The never-fading lotuses. A rich blue in colour. Unlike any of the other lotuses she had seen. She patted them with fondness and a sense of victory at her achievement.

Suddenly she heard a rustle. Frightened, she looked around. No, there wasn’t anyone here. Again, she heard it, stronger this time. She felt the lotuses move under her fingers. Almost as if in a daze, she held them up. The rustling grew louder. There was only word that was being repeated. She knew that word. From within the layers of her subconscious, the images flowed. She was caught in a whirlpool of memories. She knew that name.

AMBA.

---X---

Not knowing where to go or what to do, Amba sat down by the riverside. Returning to her father’s kingdom was out of question. There was nowhere she could go, none she could turn for solace to. She looked at the flowing river and wondered the course her life had taken. From what she was to who she was now.

[Pic courtesy: http://isha.sadhguru.org/blog/yoga-meditation/history-of-yoga/mahabharat-ep8-ambas-plight/ ]

Crown Princess of Kashi. The eldest born. Sister to Ambika and Ambalika. Lover of Shalva.

These were the adages one could assign to her. Her life, a fairly peaceful one, her future, a fairly predictable one but in line with what she wanted. She had been looking forward to the swayamvar. She knew who she wanted and she had been ready to garland Shalva, when a commotion broke out. She heard rumours, about Bhishma, who was also attending the swayamvar. She had heard the murmurs and the whispers of jeer directed at him, ridiculing him at showing up at a swayamvar when he had taken an oath of celibacy.

And then all hell had broken loose.

---X---

Shikandini walked around the palace aimlessly. Ever since she wore the garland, her father, King of Panchala, seems a little wary of her. He had been keeping a safe distance, unwilling to meet her eye and he kept eyeing the garland as though it may catch fire at any time.

She couldn’t concentrate on her classes, her archery or her pastimes. She had been getting flashes of regressed memories, and things were slowly becoming clearer. She now had another name to focus upon.

Bhishma.

She tried asking her father about him, in an attempt to retrieve more memories. The lashing she received in return, shook her to her very core. She had left the palace grounds in a fit of anger, and now upon realizing that dusk had fallen upon her, she looked around to see herself in a forest clearing. She had no idea how she had ended up there, and why it seemed extremely familiar to her.

---X---

Amba was at the verge of breaking down. She was now drawing up on the last vestiges of her strength, trudging her tired and inert body from Saubala back to Hastinapura. She had been taunted and rejected by Shalva, on the basis that she could no longer belong to him or anyone else since Bhishma abducted her and her sisters for marriage to his brother, fighting and winning over the rest of assembled kings. The Kshatriya pride in him was slighted, he said.

She was ready to wed Vichitraveerya, if only to regain whatever remained of her dignity. Upon returning to Hastinapura, she found her sisters in wedded bliss, and she felt the same scornful expression emanating from Vichitraveerya, albeit under the reasoning that her heart belonged to someone else. Brushing aside her ego, she now turned to Bhishma, who was watching the proceedings. Yet, Bhishma too, refused her proposal, stating that he was bound by his vow. However, he said she could stay on at the palace. Snubbed, she left Hastinapura.

She didn’t blame Shalva, she only felt disgusted at him. As for Vichitraveerya, he was merely a puppet at the hands of Bhishma. Her wrath was only directed at Bhishma. She was in this unfavourable situation only because of him and his actions. Hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned. Her anger at Bhishma knew no bounds. The burning need for revenge kept her going.

She walked for days, foraging whatever food she could find, drifting along kingdoms asking for help to fight and defeat Bhishma. She passed by riverbanks and forests. At one of the forests, she met sages who advised her to forget the past and appease the higher powers, becoming a tapasvini. She couldn’t let go of her anger, however, she had now found a way.

---X--- 

(to be continued)

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is…

Oh boy! One thing? I have plenty! Why stop at one?

Considering, my teenage was about a decade and half back, which sounds ages back, when you think about it, there are so many things that I would like to tell my younger self. I did that once, a long time back, a tag I think! This one, here!

But let me do this the right way!

Dear Younger ME,

Hi! This is your older, and hopefully more self-assured self, writing to you from the future! I know, Right! BAM! From the future, yes!

So, there are a couple of things I wanted to tell you, so that you could prepare yourself for what’s coming your way. Scared much? Don’t be! It’s nothing radical or out of the box, okay maybe 1-2 things are radical! But I’ll prepare you for it. Not to worry.

The first thing I would like to tell you is stop ‘going with the flow’. Seriously, stop it right now! Stop doing it and stop saying it. There is no such thing really! ‘Going with the flow’ is a term that some jobless fellow concocted somewhere so that people like us use it and feel all self-important. You will never ever go along with the flow, how much ever you say you are! Heck! I am still not going with the flow, much as I say I am! So, don’t say it, don’t think it, don’t do it. Right! Ok? Ok.

The second one is, control your temper. This one, I don’t really need to tell you because you will learn it yourself, no not the hard way, but as part of your self-realization. But I am saying, just in case!

The next thing is, please start practicing a better dress sense. I mean, yes, I know, you think of yourself as a tomboy and you have that don’t-care attitude when it comes to clothes going under the norm of comfort-over-style but trust me, you can be comfortable and stylish at the same time. Yep! That can happen! Note to self - Straight-cut jeans do not become you. They make you look even more boyish, if that is imaginable. And stop wearing collared tee-shirts. You are a tomboy. Not a boy. Add more colours into your wardrobe; black and greys are not the only colours you see. And if it’s possible, try to start liking the colour PINK. You’ll be surrounded by it at one point in the future. And also, learn how to drape a saree, much before you are thrust into the unfavourable situation of looking at a YouTube video and learning. You have a much better teacher at home – our mother! Oh, and while you are it, why not just get a full wardrobe makeover? Okay! I think I have said whatever I have wanted to, on this subject. This one is never going to happen! I know! Fashion disaster that I am! :-/

Coming to the serious stuff, there are going to be times in the future, when you will feel like you are breaking down, mentally, physically and psychologically. No, you are not a loony-bin and you won’t ever become one – at least until you are 32. See what I did there ;-). You will have plenty of good times outweighing the bad, but these struggle periods while they are far and between, will be extremely trying, for you as well as for the people surrounding you, thanks to the pig-headedness that is a part of your character. I just want to tell you, it’s not a bad thing to give in, and accept failure at times. Put aside that ego. Put aside the thought of being a failure. It’s really not such a bad thing to accept that you are a failure in some things. Take multiple stabs at it, put in your effort and if it works, well and good, if it doesn’t, never mind, there will be a reason for why it didn’t work even after all the effort. People will say stuff, like this was not enough effort and this isn’t how things are done and all such sort of nonsense, don’t take it to heart. They are not the ones dealing with it. YOU ARE! And, you know your threshold, the best! Lots of things will happen during your 20s. In your case, they will be the tumultuous twenties. Don’t give up, even when you feel like doing so. Appa, Amma and Achu will be there all along the way with you, supporting you and keeping you together. You’ll lose people you thought were going to be with you for the rest of your life, you will learn what it means to be without having anyone to confide in, and you will learn what loneliness is. But, you will also learn how to be more independent, and find people that you can be as sure of as you are of yourself, and most importantly, YOU WILL GROW and learn that being alone is not really such a tough thing! Hell, after a point you will start craving for this solitude at times. I am not telling this to scare you or to put you in a spot. These are things that happen pretty commonly, which you will learn soon, I am telling you this because, the sooner you learn to accept things quickly, the better life will become.

Oh also, before I forget, you have a penchant for drama. No, by that I don’t mean that you do drama in the future (I know you are a drama-queen NOW!!), but that you will attract drama like nobody’s business. But then this is pretty normal too! Everyone deals with drama all the time. Some, a little more than others. I don’t have to really tell you which category you fall into. Even if you don’t like it, deal with it. Learn to handle it. Word of caution – don’t try to avoid it. It will find you and you will have to tolerate it. Don’t worry, it’s not going to be that bad!

I think this has already turned into a long enough letter. Ultimately what I really want to say is this. You are a strong girl, no, not physically. You know what I mean! Mostly I think it is your stubbornness that gets you through. But, there is no denying the fact that it takes a lot to break you and this is something that you should be proud of. This is one of those things that will define your individuality and the person you are or rather will be. You’ll learn it as you go. See, the thing is, everyone is different, everyone has their own set of competencies. As do you. So, don’t lose heart and don’t try to become someone you are not. People who like you and want to be with you, will do so because of whoever you are. Don’t fret too much about it.

Be who you are and try to better yourself at that. At the end of the day, the competition and the comparison is going to be with just yourself.

I am really really proud of where we are and the journey that has been till now! It’s been a good ride so far and from here on, I hope it is as awesome as it can possibly be! :) :) 

Take care, love you. 

ME! 

Devavrata - The Mahabharata Chronicles #2

He lay on his bed of arrows, fashioned very kindly by one of his grandsons, the so-called best archer in the world. He was tired. Of this mortal life. Of all the burdens that he had borne. It had not been a pleasant few days. Then again, he supposed a curse would have to play out like this. But it would soon be over. This pain. This suffering. And the mental agony. But for that he would have to wait it out a while longer.

He couldn’t wait to get back to his world. The realm of Vaikuntha. The world where he was Prabhasa – one of the eight Vasus. Slated to live out his life as a mortal, for the transgression of trying to steal the divine cow, Nandhini, for his wife. In retrospect, he figured it could have been much worse. His brothers were luckier. They were released from the mortal life, as soon as they were born for having been just co-conspirators in the offence. Him on the other hand, he had to live this out.

Gifted man, he was. He who could remember all his previous lives. He who was given a boon by his father that he could choose when he wanted death to embrace him. A boon that he did not know to label whether as a curse or a blessing. And so he waited. Until Uttarayana. Until the glorious Sun turned his journey northward. The most auspicious time.

And while he waited he remembered his lives. This mortal life especially.

In this life, he was Devavrata.  The eighth-born son of King Shantanu and Goddess Ganga. His was a very colourful childhood. Brought up amongst the residents of the river of which his mother was reigning sovereign, he was taught very many things by its varied inhabitants. By the time he grew into a strapping young man, he was aware of much more than others his age. He understood the language of the flora and fauna that surrounded them, he had his own way of communicating with his mother, the river-goddess and he was admired as one of the most knowledgeable and level headed lads around. He was initiated under Bhargava Parashurama, for training in weaponry and combat of war. And then, he was introduced to his father. The father for whose happiness, he took upon a vow of lifelong celibacy. The father who bestowed upon him, the boon of choosing his time of death.

[Pic Couresty: http://molee.deviantart.com/]

The shocking vow that he undertook earned him another name – Bhishma, He of the terrible oath. This was the name that the world knew him as, though more often he was affectionately revered as Bhishma Pitamah. Pledged to serve the ruling king of the dynasty that he was a part of, he had lived a long life. The kingdom had flourished under his administration, but the cracks in the family legacy deeply left their scars. Some had healed. While the others had just faded away because nothing could be done about them. However, there was one that had been reopened today. At the battlefield. His hour of reckoning.

Amba.

The fiery outspoken princess of Kashi. The woman whose tenacious gaze had disconcerted him. He could sense in her a wilfulness that he admired. It wouldn’t have been easy. To stand up in the testosterone-filled sabha and speak out her mind. Yet she had done that. And in spite of that, he had abducted her along with her sisters, for his brother. But on the way back, when her stubbornness had abated a bit, she had started telling him about Shalva, the one who had usurped her heart. He had listened, non-committedly, wondering what made such a feisty girl such as herself, fall for someone so conventional. But he hadn’t let the thoughts take root. Instead, with a benevolent gaze and a confused mind, he had helped her onto another chariot and set her on forth to where her heart was trapped. He had thought it would be the last time he set his eyes on her. Only, she had come back, in a state of shock, having been sent away by Shalva, who refused to accept her, citing the fact that he had lost to Bhishma, while trying to rescue her and it still rankled him.

Amba had come back to the Kuru palace and beseeched to him, to give her an answer for her predicament. He had in turn entreated to his brother, who originally was supposed to marry her. His brother, now happy with his two wives (sisters of Amba), had refused as well, insisting that her heart lay elsewhere. Amba had again beheld him with her resolute stare, demanding an answer to the question. He on the other hand had no answers. She then, as a last resort had asked him to break his vow and marry her. So that she may have a little bit of dignity restored. He had refused, stating that he couldn’t break his vow. Not even for her. She had then blamed him. For the situation that she was in. For the situation he had landed her in. But there was no way that he could help her. She stayed on for a while at the Hastinapur palace. He let her be.

However, she had succeeded in making him uneasy. Disturbed even. With her fierceness. With her aggressive nature. With her hatred towards him, the loathing which grew over time. The intensity of which had one day, led to her proclaiming that she would be the reason for his downfall, before she left the palace for places unknown. She had reappeared, once with his master, whom she had begged to fight him. The fight went on for a few days, before master and disciple decided it was to no cause. Her fury had then been unleashed. She had raved and ranted like a mad woman, berating him and then as suddenly as she had appeared, she had left. Some time, later he heard that she had killed herself, in order to be reborn to bring about his ruin.

Over the years, he thought of her sometimes. Without any rhyme or reason. A sentence spoken here, a word heard there, a particular stare felt from a corner. He still felt guilty. But the guilt was reduced by reasoning that he had still kept his vow. But sometimes, just sometimes, he couldn’t help wonder. What it would have been to live with her. His determination and her spirit. His calm nature against her fiery temperament. His toughness versus her resolve. But it wasn’t meant to be.

He had seen her again today. At the battlefield. His hour of reckoning. Phoenix like. Reborn from the ashes.

He was the only one who recognized her. Still the smoldering stare. Still the hatred emanating for ruining her life.

The others only knew about her. They knew her now as Shikhandi. He on the other hand, KNEW her. KNEW what she was. And how she came to be who she was now.

This time, he accepted it, laying down his arms. He was done here. He wanted no more of this life. He did not a see a point in it. So he had let his grand-son shielded by her, pierce him with his arrows. He had seen the accomplishment in her eyes. The cry of triumph, worded silently. She was appeased now. As was he.

No more blame. No more guilt. No more remorse.

And so now he waited.

And while he waited, called upon the thousand names of his redeemer. Sri Vishnu Sahasranama – Bhishmena Kathitha. Vyasena Grathitha.

Yagnaseni - The Mahabharata Chronicles #1

Yagnaseni they called her. The one born out of fire. The virtuous one. The one whose fate was linked with the harbingers of change. The one who was both a blessing and a curse. Blessing to the people and curse to her father. Or so she had been told. She had heard that when she arose in front of him, he “blessed” her with unhappiness, sorrow, misunderstandings and strife for the better part of her life.

There wasn’t much that she remembered about her birth. All she had felt was a searing heat from the flames that were licking around her and then a sudden thrust out of it. She had almost fallen out of the fire, much rather being born out of it, much like an after-thought of the GODS.

                                         [Pic Courtesy: nisachar.deviantart.com]

Daughter she was, to the famed king – Drupad. Princess of Panchal and twin sister to the Crown Prince, her brother, Dhristadyumna, who had stepped out of the fire, gracefully and leonine like as desired by her father. She who was endowed with a heart-shaped face; skin that shone like burnished copper, lustrous hair that fell down to wide hips that swayed when she walked and a pretty smile that framed her luscious lips. She who the world called the most beautiful. Her childhood, she remembered, was bound by rules and bogged down by actions that befit a princess. She chafed at the shackles that restrained her and craved for a freedom that was only heightened by the curiosity that played around in her mind. Questions that remained unanswered. Or ones that were answered with other questions.

And the one, who did that the most with her, was the one she considered as her soul mate.

Her Govind. The one who affixed her with the female form of his own name – Krishnaa – the dark skinned one. Friend, guide, philosopher and roguish imp all rolled into one. The one she always turned to when in strife, in sorrow, and the first one she shared with when in joy, in delight and in revelry. The one who gave her support and the one who quietened her ever-questioning mind. The one who knew her best. The one who wanted the best for her. The one who told her to reject Karna.

Karna. King of Anga. Loyal friend to the scion of the Kaurava clan. Cherished disciple of the Rama with the axe. Famed archer rumoured to even best Arjuna. Son of a Suta.

The first memory she had of him, was that of him seated in the competitor arena for her swayamvar. She remembered that moment like it had just happened then.

Skin that shone like he was drunk on the rays of the sun. Well chiselled and marked body. The warrior stance. Strong arms. And his eyes. The gaze that was steadfast yet with raged with an intensity that made them come alive. Eyes those were flecked by golden flames.

She recognized the fervour that burned in his eyes and his belly. The passion to prove to the world that he was here to accomplish great things. She knew that was what it was because the very same fire burned within her. He had looked at her just once. Glanced rather. She felt taken in by his intent look. Felt the quiver of butterflies in her tummy. The gaze that stripped her naked, yet cloaked her with a protectiveness that she hadn’t felt before, all in the span of a single moment. This was unlike anything that she had felt before. This was a thousand times stronger than any flickers of infatuation that she may have felt. Ten thousand times even. This was a raging blaze. In that one glance that they had shared, she had known that he was the one for her. And yet she had rejected him. Except without knowing why. On the basis of the fact that he was a charioteer’s son.

Because HE told her to. Because she trusted in HIM blindly. Because HE knew her best. Because HE wanted the best for her. Because HE told her to reject Karna. Her Govind.

But now, standing in front of the entire Kuru clan, shamed, dishevelled and disrobed, she couldn’t help wondering. Did she make the right choice back then? Is this what was BEST for her?

Here she was, married to the illustrious, almost godly Pandavas and not one of them could save her from this mortification. Would Karna have let this happen to her? Would he have just sat there, head bowed, with down-cast eyes, unable to bear the humiliation that was being meted out to her? Somehow she didn’t think so.

Sure. He was standing on the OTHER side now. He was the one who had provoked the vile Dusshasan to do what he just did. He was the one who called her unchaste. He was the one who stood there mocking at their plight. This was his vengeance and her come-uppance for the way she had treated him at her swayamvar. It didn’t justify in any way that what he was doing to her was much worse than what he could / would / may have felt. And yet she saw a hint of remorse in his eyes. For the words that he spoke. For the way he had behaved. And as much as she wanted to hate him with her entire being, she couldn’t bring herself to.

And she realized that in some way, he knew it too. That he was aware of the consequences of this. And that even though he may have had a choice, he couldn’t bring himself to make it. That in some way he anticipated the repercussions. Morbidly even looked forward to it.

And so she forgave him. Forgave just him. For the dastardly act that he was being a part of. For the terrible violation that had just been enacted out in the palace court for all and sundry to see.

For now SHE knew what was coming.  The purpose of HER birth. The very reason for HER existence. She was slated to be the harbinger that would cleanse the world of the vileness that inhabited it.

Perhaps, this was the way it was meant to be.

Perhaps, this is what happens when a shard pierces the heart.

That one sliver coursing its way through the entire system.

Taking along with it all that brought down to this moment.

This very moment. Where it all ends. And where it all begins.

-----------------------------------------------XXX-------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: This is solely my viewpoint and a fictionalized attempt on my idea of what Draupadi may / may not have felt. Written on the basis of inspiration by articles and stories and books that I have read on this subject and legends that suggested she may have loved Karna and events that transpired in the Mahabharata. I do not claim this to be true in any way. J

The mandatory 2013 wrap-up post !! :) :)

And thus we come to the end of another year, and the beginning of another yearly wrap up post on this space! :-)

I remember the start of 2013. I was so so so sick of 2012 that I was literally counting down the seconds, and waiting for 2013 to start and I wanted to make the most of it. I had this whole checklist planned and things that I wanted to do and cross off my list. I even had a mid-way sorta post roundabout my birthday telling you all what I have been up to until then...

You ask me what happened after that?  After May? :-) …

Well, what do I say?

“I had plans.. big big plans!! But then, life intervened!” :-P :-P

Naah, nothing of that sort… I just became a big ol’ bag of lazybones, and stayed in the comfort zone and refused to budge from there, literally transforming into a couch potato. Didn’t feel the need or the push to do anything, and was so happy staying in my metaphorical couch and pajamas! Didn’t read as many books as I wanted to, didn’t go out as much as I wanted to, didn’t write as much as I wanted to and gave all and sundry the excuse that I was contemplating the realities of life ;-) :-P

And contemplate I did! :P Wrote a couple of preachy posts about the 20s and then wrapped myself up in a cocoon, gave in to excuses of not going out anywhere and not doing anything new, save a few times! :-) Either ways, I did enjoy the time and the space and the introspections!! ;-)

You know, how sometimes you look back at a period of time and you think, did this really happen? Did I actually experience all this? That’s how 2013 was to me...  Honestly, the past year seems like a big blur to me. It went by so fast that before I knew it, it was a half year and now it is the year end… this year has not been without its fair share of happenings though… Now as I think about it, I realize how much has happened this past year, how much of it I was a part of and how much I was a spectator to… Nothing world-shattering, but still pretty much adds to the “lessons learnt” bag! :-) If 2012 taught me that things can change in the blink of an eye, 2013 taught me how fragile all interactions are… It made me realize that everything is a two-way street... And by that I mean, EVERY.SINGLE.THING. …. Family. Relationships. Friendships. Work life. You give. You expect. You take. Simple logic.

I always like the start of a new year. It’s symbolic. It’s like a chance of a clean slate in a very figurative way. Newfangled experiences. Fresh starts.

My wish for this NEW YEAR…

In the words of Neil Gaiman…

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, And don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

I hope you will have a wonderful year, That you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, That you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, That you will be loved and that you will be liked, And that you will have people to love and to like in return.

And, most importantly (Because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), That you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.”

SO EVERYBODY OUT THERE ... 

HAVE A ROCKING SOOPER-DOOPER AWESOMATIC MAGNIFICENTLY FANTABULOUS 2014… :) :) 

And make the most of it ...  :-) :-) 

I am planning to! :-D :-D

When it comes to something like FRIENDSHIPS, I sure can ramble on!! :)

So then after those famous last words - the series start …

Let’s talk about FRIENDSHIP, shall we? 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Your other family.

The ones whom you have the right and the independence to choose.

I heard this recently – Apparently if you are friends with someone for a period of 7 years or more, chances are that you will be friends with them for life. Now, I am not the best person to comment on this. I have friendships that range the 10-20 years period, as well as the ones that are still in their fledgling phase, but that have the propensity to get to the ‘decades-old’ echelon. Of course, over this same period, I have also lost friendships that I thought would never break or fade away and people that have just disappeared, voluntarily or involuntarily from my life.

Me – I am a very complicated person. There are various facets to myself, some of those that I myself am unaware of! On the surface, I am an extrovert. I make friends easily. I talk a lot. I am vibrant in company. I can hold my own on a diverse range of topics. But on the other hand, I am a very private person too. I don’t trust people easily. I let only very very very few people into my head and I prefer it that way. I find it hard to express my feelings. And I find it hard to let people inside of me. So I let it be. In the hope that the other person understands what I mean to say, through my so-called actions, gestures and sometimes even the most stupidest of things I say, totally unrelated to what I really wanted to say, in the first place. This would be me reaching out. Of course, they may or may not understand and that’s where the wavelength, frequency, chemistry or whatever fancied terms you call it as, comes into picture.

The reason is trust once broken takes a long while to be regained and restored. The broken trust also brings with it skepticism, fear and a sense of questioning that not many people are aware of. Sometimes others suffer for what someone else has done. Or sometimes, they lack the patience to see the broken person through it and to regain or restore that trust. This is precisely the reason that many of us have more of acquaintances and hi-bye, casual friends, as opposed to very few close ones. It’s also the reason that I cannot claim that there exists one single person on this earth who knows every single thing about me. Probably if you get all my close friends together, of which there are very few, you may piece together stories about my life – bits and pieces again!

Most of my present day solid friendships were formed in my twenties. Some in the blink of an eye, some over a couple of drinks, an evening out, a chance meeting and some others over a period of months and some even years!! They are all people that I trust on various levels. And they are all people that I know I can turn to in rain or shine :-) and by god, am I thankful for them or what! But then, there have also been hits and misses. Lessons learnt, fingers burnt, and strife dealt with. Lots of insights along the way as well.

There are a lot of things that these bonds have taught me.

That there are always those kinds of rapports, the ones you can just pick up from where you left off! And you realize that nothing has changed. It’s like the break never occurred. These are the best kinds!!

That friendship can happen for the most stupidest of reasons. Like the fact that you both like the same cocktail. Or the fact that you both had that one person in common that you hate. You never know! And sometimes, you just know! :)

That you can always recall back to that time when you crossed that line with someone from stranger to acquaintance to friend to trusted pal or vice versa! That one discerning moment!

That sometimes you become friends with someone too soon, and too close. And you may not realize why or when. Because you are having too good a time with them! And then, your friendship with them reaches a maturity point. Where neither will have anything more to say, talk or share with the other. But that doesn’t mean that the friendship has ended. It just means that you have grown along in the friendship and now you are comfortable in silence as well in chat.

That chalk and cheese can actually be friends! Sometimes the people that you least expected to be friends with in the initial twenties, will turn out to be the ones that you are more comfortable with and you wonder why you never liked them back then!

And the most important of them all, that the people who like you for what you are; will always let you be the way you want to be.

In the course of these years, I have come across all sorts of people. I am sure you must have too.

The good ones. The bad ones. The ugly ones. The helpful ones. The selfish ones. The selfless ones. The ones with the devil-may-care attitude. The ones who genuinely look out and care for you. The ones who take you for a ride. The ones who take you for granted. And the ones who let you be.

All sorts of them. Most of these sorts are my friends. I probably belong(ed) to most of these sorts as well. Maybe not the entire gamut, but definitely an overlap of some of these.

Learn to choose your friends wisely. Pick up from the hits and misses! But never ever regret any of the moments! Most of your ‘rocking-crazy-fun filled-memorable-bad ass’ experiences come from the twenties. Where the only thing on the mind is to live on the edge, meet new people, gain new experiences and live it up! This decade is a great time for this. It’s the time that you are spreading out your wings. It’s that point of time where you are on the brink of ‘something old’ and ‘something new’ syndrome. When you step out on your own into the big world – the jungle! :) Make the most of it! :)

Inching towards the big THREE OH! :) :) New Beginnings!!!

There is this post for my blog that I have been contemplating for a while now.

It started out as an idea for a take on "Life in the Twenties" concept.

About the ups and downs and the way that things unfold and what to expect etcetera from my viewpoint considering that I was soon going to be hitting the big three-oh. It is most definitely a milestone of sorts, age-wise, experience-wise and also learning-wise.

It all started when some time back I came across these letters. One was a letter from a 19 year old to a daughter she was going to adopt and you could see such depth in it. The others were some from older selves to younger selves; their own or people they wanted to send it to…  I wanted to do one of these, or something on those lines. But the fact was that, I didn’t know whom I should be penning this to?  To my child, who may or may not be born? To my own younger self?  To the other 20-year olds?  I still don’t know frankly. And I am not too sure what I really have to say. And then it struck me that I was getting nowhere with it. Not with what I wanted to talk about, how to put it into words, how to frame experiences from my life, with respect to people, career, love, family, relationships etc. I hit a block and I wasn’t sure how to proceed with it. I had specific things in my mind that I wanted to touch upon. I knew that if I had to write it in one go; it would be like a mega blog post.

So then I thought that maybe this was not the right time to pen this, maybe I was not ready… but what the heck! My Blog! My Expression! My Life! :P (Shameless Plug-in as you can see ;) ).

Officially, I have started on my 30th year. I have completed 29 years and this is the last time I will be embracing the term “I am in my twenties!!”..

How does it feel to be hitting the big three oh?? A bit different…

How different? A teeny-weeny bit from when I wrote THIS post…

Is that good different or bad different? I am not sure, to be honest!

How has my twenties been?  I think A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE should sum it up nicely… :)

“Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine and valleys of frustration and failure.” -  Calvin & Hobbes!

That’s precisely my twenties. :D Good times, Bad times, Fun times, Stressful times, you name it, I have had it! :)

They say that the twenties are the best times of your lives. And for now, I got to agree! Unless the thirties show me something better ;-) 

Terrific Twenties... Hell yeah!  Of course! Tumultuous Twenties... Sure! That too!

My adolescent years were a breeze compared to my twenties. If my adolescent years were peppered with rage, rebellion, mood-swings, helplessness, mainly because I didn’t know why I was behaving the way I was, my twenties were a lot worse. They are not too much different, the early twenties I mean, when compared to your teenage years. The only and the most important difference being, you start realizing why you feel something instead of the popular “I don’t know why I feel this way!” phrase! You find specific reasons to attribute those feelings to! And you get better at it, as you go along.

To me, that was the whole crux of my twenties.  If you ask me what is the one thing that strikes me first when I think of my twenties, its CHOICE. INDEPENDENCE most definitely, follows a close second. And more often than not, they went hand in hand for me. 

What have my twenties taught me? A whole bunch of things. :)

To me, this is the decade that I started to experience the true meaning to living life to the fullest…

I lived. I laughed. I loved. I was loved. I lost some. I won some. I learnt.

To me, this is the decade that I started realizing myself. Who I was, what I was turning to, what I had been all this while and why I was like that all these years …  I liked the person I was becoming from the person I was. I enjoyed discovering things about myself.

Then somewhere it struck me that if I had to cover everything that I wanted to talk about, it would be better to do this as a series. At the very least, it will save my writing from dying out.

All I can say is that it may help you who are reading this, but then again it may not.

It may make sense to you, dear reader, but then again, it may not. Your life and my life are / may be poles apart of course.

What I pen here, is the sum of my experiences, stuff that I have picked up from these many years … some of it in existence, but some truly living it up…

Somewhere I hope you identify with it.

Somewhere I hope you nod your head and say that “Yes! It happened to me too!” …

So then, here’s to NEW BEGINNINGS! :-)

That funny thing called C.H.E.M.I.S.T.R.Y.

It’s that feeling of comfort when they are with you. That everything is alright in your world. At least for that moment. That everything you do with them seems so effortless. That as though it was always meant to be. That even when you know the entire world is against you, they will still stand by you and that you can depend on them.

It’s that feeling of understanding when you glance at that other person in the middle of a conversation and a silent message passes between you two that they get you. That they understand what you were trying to say. That they understand what you don’t want to say. That they can complete the sentence that you have been struggling with. That they know precisely how your mind works and what you were thinking most of the time, what to talk when and where to draw a line and where to stop talking.

It’s that feeling of contentment when you walk into a crowded room, and your eyes search for them and when they find them, your heart does a little flip-flop, a relaxed feeling settles over you that they are there to back you up no matter what. That when you are with them, even at two ends of the room, their presence radiates the room with gentle warmth.

It’s that feeling of something amiss when they are not there with you. You don’t know why but you feel unsettled. That you have been so used to their being there and their voice and their presence that mere absence of one of these leaves you feeling uncomfortable.

It’s that feeling of gladness that you are always connected to each other wherever either of you are. That you always know what they are doing and where they are. Not in a possessive kind of way. But in an attached sort of way.

It’s that feeling of surprise yet happiness to know how much you share in common with them. That you have the same taste in most of the things. That your mind works the same way. That you can talk to each other without judging each other by what you have done, by what you think or by what you want to do.

It’s that feeling of freedom that you share with them. That they let you have your own space when you want it. That you are independent as well as dependent on them. That they know where to draw the line between pushing you and encouraging you. That they have seen you at your best and your worst and they still stick by you.

It’s that comforting feeling that you share with them in chatter and in silence. That you always have something or the other to talk about. That you can also sit for hours without talking anything as long as you are together. That you are not compelled to fill that silence. That you don’t get bored with them around. That you can be with them however you want and they will not judge you but accept you the way you are. That they let you be and they don’t force you into doing something you don’t want. That you do something for them because they like it that way.

More than anything else, it’s that feeling when you realize that your destinies are linked together no matter how or where you are. That you know they will always be a part of your life and you theirs. In some way or the other. Even if you may not be together. It’s the realization that you are the happiest when you are with them. That your day starts and ends with them. And that it feels right. Absolutely irrevocably right.

I am a firm believer of the fact that unless you share a wonderful chemistry with someone you can never ever get close to them or even have a close friendship with them. It’s an important factor.  In any sort of relationships.  In some form or the other. Friendships, Relationships, Family, you name it; it has to be present there in some way at some level. It’s something that I look for personally! And something that is very very important to me in any sort of a relationship.

That click!

Those vibes!

Has to, Got to be there! :-) :-)

 

Ps: An edited version of this piece is also published at http://www.glad2bawoman.com/category/friends/funny-thing-called-chemistry