If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is…

Oh boy! One thing? I have plenty! Why stop at one?

Considering, my teenage was about a decade and half back, which sounds ages back, when you think about it, there are so many things that I would like to tell my younger self. I did that once, a long time back, a tag I think! This one, here!

But let me do this the right way!

Dear Younger ME,

Hi! This is your older, and hopefully more self-assured self, writing to you from the future! I know, Right! BAM! From the future, yes!

So, there are a couple of things I wanted to tell you, so that you could prepare yourself for what’s coming your way. Scared much? Don’t be! It’s nothing radical or out of the box, okay maybe 1-2 things are radical! But I’ll prepare you for it. Not to worry.

The first thing I would like to tell you is stop ‘going with the flow’. Seriously, stop it right now! Stop doing it and stop saying it. There is no such thing really! ‘Going with the flow’ is a term that some jobless fellow concocted somewhere so that people like us use it and feel all self-important. You will never ever go along with the flow, how much ever you say you are! Heck! I am still not going with the flow, much as I say I am! So, don’t say it, don’t think it, don’t do it. Right! Ok? Ok.

The second one is, control your temper. This one, I don’t really need to tell you because you will learn it yourself, no not the hard way, but as part of your self-realization. But I am saying, just in case!

The next thing is, please start practicing a better dress sense. I mean, yes, I know, you think of yourself as a tomboy and you have that don’t-care attitude when it comes to clothes going under the norm of comfort-over-style but trust me, you can be comfortable and stylish at the same time. Yep! That can happen! Note to self - Straight-cut jeans do not become you. They make you look even more boyish, if that is imaginable. And stop wearing collared tee-shirts. You are a tomboy. Not a boy. Add more colours into your wardrobe; black and greys are not the only colours you see. And if it’s possible, try to start liking the colour PINK. You’ll be surrounded by it at one point in the future. And also, learn how to drape a saree, much before you are thrust into the unfavourable situation of looking at a YouTube video and learning. You have a much better teacher at home – our mother! Oh, and while you are it, why not just get a full wardrobe makeover? Okay! I think I have said whatever I have wanted to, on this subject. This one is never going to happen! I know! Fashion disaster that I am! :-/

Coming to the serious stuff, there are going to be times in the future, when you will feel like you are breaking down, mentally, physically and psychologically. No, you are not a loony-bin and you won’t ever become one – at least until you are 32. See what I did there ;-). You will have plenty of good times outweighing the bad, but these struggle periods while they are far and between, will be extremely trying, for you as well as for the people surrounding you, thanks to the pig-headedness that is a part of your character. I just want to tell you, it’s not a bad thing to give in, and accept failure at times. Put aside that ego. Put aside the thought of being a failure. It’s really not such a bad thing to accept that you are a failure in some things. Take multiple stabs at it, put in your effort and if it works, well and good, if it doesn’t, never mind, there will be a reason for why it didn’t work even after all the effort. People will say stuff, like this was not enough effort and this isn’t how things are done and all such sort of nonsense, don’t take it to heart. They are not the ones dealing with it. YOU ARE! And, you know your threshold, the best! Lots of things will happen during your 20s. In your case, they will be the tumultuous twenties. Don’t give up, even when you feel like doing so. Appa, Amma and Achu will be there all along the way with you, supporting you and keeping you together. You’ll lose people you thought were going to be with you for the rest of your life, you will learn what it means to be without having anyone to confide in, and you will learn what loneliness is. But, you will also learn how to be more independent, and find people that you can be as sure of as you are of yourself, and most importantly, YOU WILL GROW and learn that being alone is not really such a tough thing! Hell, after a point you will start craving for this solitude at times. I am not telling this to scare you or to put you in a spot. These are things that happen pretty commonly, which you will learn soon, I am telling you this because, the sooner you learn to accept things quickly, the better life will become.

Oh also, before I forget, you have a penchant for drama. No, by that I don’t mean that you do drama in the future (I know you are a drama-queen NOW!!), but that you will attract drama like nobody’s business. But then this is pretty normal too! Everyone deals with drama all the time. Some, a little more than others. I don’t have to really tell you which category you fall into. Even if you don’t like it, deal with it. Learn to handle it. Word of caution – don’t try to avoid it. It will find you and you will have to tolerate it. Don’t worry, it’s not going to be that bad!

I think this has already turned into a long enough letter. Ultimately what I really want to say is this. You are a strong girl, no, not physically. You know what I mean! Mostly I think it is your stubbornness that gets you through. But, there is no denying the fact that it takes a lot to break you and this is something that you should be proud of. This is one of those things that will define your individuality and the person you are or rather will be. You’ll learn it as you go. See, the thing is, everyone is different, everyone has their own set of competencies. As do you. So, don’t lose heart and don’t try to become someone you are not. People who like you and want to be with you, will do so because of whoever you are. Don’t fret too much about it.

Be who you are and try to better yourself at that. At the end of the day, the competition and the comparison is going to be with just yourself.

I am really really proud of where we are and the journey that has been till now! It’s been a good ride so far and from here on, I hope it is as awesome as it can possibly be! :) :) 

Take care, love you. 

ME! 

When self-doubt hits!

I skipped the blogs for the last two days.

I had no specific reason. I am not going to give any excuses or apologize for that. I can vouch for the fact that I am no big writer neither am I so brilliant that people wait to read my blogs. At the most, I am average. Sometimes I write well, sometimes I don’t. So even when I started this blogathon, I had this niggling doubt in mind, that I was not really going to write to my satisfaction. And that doubt was reaffirmed when it was pointed out that I wasn’t doing any favours to my writing by doing something and writing something every day on the lines of “I don’t know what to post”  .. “I have no idea what to write” etc. The old me would have just taken those words to heart and would have just quit. I would have thought to myself, yes they are right! I am not doing this!!

But now, I want to write. I still want to finish this blogathon. I know those two days are going to hang over my head, but I still want to do this. Pig-headedness as some might call it. But I don’t want to quit this. I don’t want to let this go like how I let go of the other things that I started so easily. And every time these days when I get that doubt, there is other quote that comes to mind – “The worst thing you write is better than the best thing you didn’t write!!” – It’s what I posted on the first blog I wrote for the blogathon. That reaffirms me. :D

So today I will share with you something I wrote a long while back. During one of those dark phases. It is a very abstract piece. It’s something that I wrote in a span of a few moments a few years ago. Tidbits that I write, save and don't find the courage to publish! :) I don't really remember what made me write this, probably must be one of those black moods. 

Here goes…

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“There is a morbid pleasure that we as humans derive in subjecting ourselves to abject misery.

That feeling of martyrdom that elevates in ourselves a feeling of superiority.

The feeling that because we are so miserable; we are in a much loftier position than the rest of the world that is happily cocooned in their contented lives.

After all what do they know of what suffering we have undergone and how it has transformed us into what we are today as opposed to what we were before this so-called misery was thrust upon us. 

Who could say how we might have ended up had we not been through so much!

All of us are broken in that sort of way. Some take a long time to recoup. For some others it’s just a matter of time. And for sometimes very rarely, it is quick and painless when they meet the right person(s). That of course depends on whether you find the right person and you recognize them to be so.

Various moments. Various right kinds of people.

Right for then, at that point of time.

Wrong for other times.

Half the time I think what happens is that you make do with what you have and forget the quest for what you want.

And therein lies the difference.”