Of Simpler times. Simpler Lives.

She stepped out of the hotel and looked up at the sky. A clear cloudless day. The sun was streaming down unflinchingly on the tourists. Big floppy hats, oversized sunglasses and tubes of sunscreen were all she could see on most of the tourists around. This was actually the best time of the year to visit Thailand, when the days were sultry and the nights were cool. It sometimes rained in the evenings but overall there was a pleasant breeze that was present all throughout. Today however, was a different story. She took measured steps towards the gully-like road towards the beach. A few more yards and she would lose the hotel Wi-Fi connection. She sent off a message to her folks, then looked around, ignoring the hawkers peddling their wares. And it was then that this caught her eye.

It instantly transported her to those days when she was a young brat, begging for rides in her great-aunt’s vintage fiat. The military green colour. The hardened seats. The window that you had to struggle with all your might to roll down. But all said and done, the car had that old-worldly charm. Her childhood was filled with many a ride in that car. Summer vacations back then were fun. Her entire brood of cousins would land up at her grandmother’s place and afternoons would be spent at her great-aunts’ place, lying down on the cool floors that were sprinkled with some water, listening to the stories that her aunt told about the golden days when they were kids and how simple life used to be back then. Pestering her aunt, while the latter went on her medical rounds, taking on some house visits, struggling all the while to keep quiet and not create a racket, as bored as she got, for she knew the rewards lay at the end of the ride. Sometimes, it was those orange candies or lemon candies, sometimes it was vanilla ice cream, and if she was really really good, she would be treated with one of those cassata bars. Simple life. Of no expectations and no worries. There was always someone to get her back and people to fall back on. The only biggest worry then was whether the skinned knee would hurt when she had a bath or if she would get the lion’s share of her grand mom’s famous fried potatoes. Simpler times. Simpler lives.

She felt the phone in her hand vibrate. Jolted out of the blue, she saw her dad’s message asking her to be safe and not to roam around after dark. She put the phone in her bag, and walked off to the beach. The sunset was just a few minutes away. It was one of the other things that soothed her mind. The nostalgia coupled with the homesickness brought on by the message heightened the urge to head back home.

She promised to herself. Soon. Soon.

Funny how random things could trigger off hidden memories and calm the mind.

Sometimes it was a stray word, sometimes the tune of a long-forgotten song, and sometimes a vintage car :)

That funny thing called C.H.E.M.I.S.T.R.Y.

It’s that feeling of comfort when they are with you. That everything is alright in your world. At least for that moment. That everything you do with them seems so effortless. That as though it was always meant to be. That even when you know the entire world is against you, they will still stand by you and that you can depend on them.

It’s that feeling of understanding when you glance at that other person in the middle of a conversation and a silent message passes between you two that they get you. That they understand what you were trying to say. That they understand what you don’t want to say. That they can complete the sentence that you have been struggling with. That they know precisely how your mind works and what you were thinking most of the time, what to talk when and where to draw a line and where to stop talking.

It’s that feeling of contentment when you walk into a crowded room, and your eyes search for them and when they find them, your heart does a little flip-flop, a relaxed feeling settles over you that they are there to back you up no matter what. That when you are with them, even at two ends of the room, their presence radiates the room with gentle warmth.

It’s that feeling of something amiss when they are not there with you. You don’t know why but you feel unsettled. That you have been so used to their being there and their voice and their presence that mere absence of one of these leaves you feeling uncomfortable.

It’s that feeling of gladness that you are always connected to each other wherever either of you are. That you always know what they are doing and where they are. Not in a possessive kind of way. But in an attached sort of way.

It’s that feeling of surprise yet happiness to know how much you share in common with them. That you have the same taste in most of the things. That your mind works the same way. That you can talk to each other without judging each other by what you have done, by what you think or by what you want to do.

It’s that feeling of freedom that you share with them. That they let you have your own space when you want it. That you are independent as well as dependent on them. That they know where to draw the line between pushing you and encouraging you. That they have seen you at your best and your worst and they still stick by you.

It’s that comforting feeling that you share with them in chatter and in silence. That you always have something or the other to talk about. That you can also sit for hours without talking anything as long as you are together. That you are not compelled to fill that silence. That you don’t get bored with them around. That you can be with them however you want and they will not judge you but accept you the way you are. That they let you be and they don’t force you into doing something you don’t want. That you do something for them because they like it that way.

More than anything else, it’s that feeling when you realize that your destinies are linked together no matter how or where you are. That you know they will always be a part of your life and you theirs. In some way or the other. Even if you may not be together. It’s the realization that you are the happiest when you are with them. That your day starts and ends with them. And that it feels right. Absolutely irrevocably right.

I am a firm believer of the fact that unless you share a wonderful chemistry with someone you can never ever get close to them or even have a close friendship with them. It’s an important factor.  In any sort of relationships.  In some form or the other. Friendships, Relationships, Family, you name it; it has to be present there in some way at some level. It’s something that I look for personally! And something that is very very important to me in any sort of a relationship.

That click!

Those vibes!

Has to, Got to be there! :-) :-)

 

Ps: An edited version of this piece is also published at http://www.glad2bawoman.com/category/friends/funny-thing-called-chemistry

 

Question and Answer!

She looked up at him. 

A question in her eyes. An answer in his. 

A promise of a lifetime. 

A smile creased her lips gently. 

She leaned into him and started playing with his fingers, a favorite past-time of hers. 

He looked at her and thought to himself how much of a joy fatherhood was.


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Another attempt at 55 - fiction!! :-)

Had to do something to revive my blog which is dying a slow death!! ;-)!!

If only there was.....

She looked at his fast receding back and wished she had not uttered those words…

If only there was a way to take them back…

*************************************************************************************************************

Her glance fell on the photo frame.

The happy smiles on the faces in the photo reminded her of another time when she was young, carefree and there was nothing but love in her world.

If only there was a way to relive those moments again…

*************************************************************************************************************

The mail icon beeped indicating a new message.

Her best friend was getting married. And it was all of a sudden.  

She wished she could go. But she was so far away and now it was too late to make other plans

If only there was an easier way…

*********************************************************************************************************

She held his hand. Felt his pulse weaken as life ebbed away from him. It was so unfair. He was young and he should have had a long healthy life. There was so much he had not seen and so much he had not done! He loved his life. He wanted to live.

If only …..

************************************************************************************************************

“Have you ever wished life had a rewind button? No, not only because of regrets, simply to enjoy those moments you cherished just one more time!!” – Author Unknown

I have! Lots of times!

Time travel or a time machine has always been a concept that has fascinated me. Not fascinated me to the extent that I want to build one … but fascinating in the sense that it offers so many possibilities.

How many times have we wished that we could back something that we said, undo something that we did, be with dear and near ones when there is a happening in the family, and relive moments that were happy and memorable?

There are times when I have wished that I could take back some of the words that I uttered, undo some incidents and make sure there was a better way to handle the awkward moments, be with my family and folks when there was a happening / festive occasion instead of listening to the details over the phone, relive some of the most happiest moments in life ….

“If only” is a constant phrase in my life! If only I had not said that, if only I had done this instead of that, if only I had not missed it….

Yes! I know messing with the fabric of time is not a good thing. In fact it will lead to dangerous consequences if not handled properly or if it falls into the wrong hands.

But if used effectively, imagine the possibilities it could offer!!

I for one would be the happiest to know that I could live a life without any regrets! Of course, now I know you’re going to say that, it’s from regrets and mistakes that you learn about life, relationships and the value of it. It’s something that I keep saying too. And I know it’s true!! But for once, imagining a life where you could go back in time, undo some stuff, do things a bit differently, and be there when it counts, actually feels quite alluring!!

Well it does not cost anything to dream of it right…!!


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PS: This post has been submitted for the "Indiblogger contest - What's your demand?"

Hold my hand and never let it go....

What is this feeling that courses through me…

When the phone does not ring at the expected time,

when I know I am about to talk to you,

when I see your number flashing on my phone,

when I see your eyes seek me out in the crowd,

when you put your hands around my shoulder,

when you hold me in a tight hug,

when my small palm fits into your broad hand,

when my head rests against your shoulder when we sit together,

when you title me with sweet endearments when we talk,

when you are concerned and patient to talk me through my anxiety and anger,

when you stay up even after midnight so that you can talk to me and tell me unfailingly how much you love me,

when my face perks up with a foolish, silly grin when you mollycoddle me and give into my demands,

when you smile and my heart jumps up two notches,

when you smile in that impish way of yours and the dimple lights up your cheeks…

I could go on and on and it would be never-ending…

I have never realized the true meaning of the word.

I have never known when I was in love; or whether I was in love.

I had always ascribed it to a feeling of comfort or a sense of belonging, stopping just at that.

Now I have many more attributes to credit it to, thanks to you….

I think all I want to say now is that…

HOLD MY HAND & NEVER LET IT GO….

Heart Waves...

She was walking along the beach, her feet playing a game of catch with the waves.

She was all alone. And that was how she wanted it to be.

Some quiet. A little bit of tranquility. And a whole lot of peace.

She was here after a long while. The last time she came here was not by herself.

She liked this time of the day.

Twilight. Neither day nor night.

What was it about this magical hour that the beauty of the night and the day all came together? And was she at the best place or what?

Where better to experience the gamut of colors that were flooding the sky, knitting itself seamlessly through the clouds scattered in the vast expanse? It took her breath away. As always.

She remembered a time long ago on the same shore. Then she was not alone. She had a reason for being there then. And she had never wanted to be alone then. Back then, she was with someone who she loved and lived with. She was with someone who made everything else in the world seem secondary. She was with someone who made her feel like the queen of the world and who made her feel special. She had felt wanted.

But that had soon come to a finish. She had thought that the world began and ended with him. She had thought herself the most luckiest in the world. She had finally felt her life falling in place.

Now it felt like failing. It felt like someone had pulled the carpet right from under her legs and she was left with nothing but the dark cold floor. It was almost like she was caught in a whirlpool of sand that was slowly choking her, filling her lungs with no space to breathe. She was flailing and failing to hold on…

She wondered what had gone wrong! Where had she made a mistake and how had she fallen into the deep dark pit that she was always aware of, yet careful about…

She had been deceived. She thought she knew him. Apparently she did not! She never knew him. She never got beyond the outer surface charm that had misled her.

But now it was over. Now she had the floor again.

She walked slowly towards the waves. The water splashed over her feet. It swirled over her knees. She walked against the current pushing her back.

And then as though the sea understood what she wanted it pulled her in close to its bosom.

The water rose above her.

It was over her.

Truly over.

Stalemate....

Her mind was in turmoil.

She had been seeking questions to these never-ending queries in all the relationships that she had ever been in.

In the hope that at least one of them would help her solve the mayhem in her.

Do expectations actually increase in a relationship that you are actually very comfortable in?

Do you tend to take a person for granted even when you know him/her inside out, with all their faults and shortcomings?

Why does it feel weird when something that has been happening habitually breaks routine and especially when you are aware of why the routine was broken?

Why do you get that tug in the heart when the special someone who messages/calls without fail every morning does not do so one day? Is that fear? Or anger? Or a feeling of let-down?

Why is there an awkward pause when something goes wrong between two people who are together in some capacity?

Why do you feel so odd when someone you care about behaves a little indifferently with you for reasons that are actually known to you and you know you are not the cause for the behavior?

How do you tell someone that you need space from them without causing in them a feeling of unwanted?

Why does being in love mean to have to talk everyday and tell every single time that you love each other?

Do all these queries and many more have answers to them or are they just that… questions?

She thought about her past.

She thought about her present.

Tried to draw a parallel between them.

And drew a blank.

My cup runneth over....

I had a dream.

I nestled it close to my heart like a mother guarding its cub.

I kept it away from all eyes and ears until I felt I could achieve it.

I cupped it in the crook of my palms and held it not too tight, not too loose.

I did not talk about it to people for the fear that it would not be so magical afterwards.

Like a fistful of sand that falls through the sieve leaving behind the fine grains, I polished it until it shone like a diamond, nurtured it until it grew into a sturdy thought, refined it until the coarse edges where smoothened, leaving only the cultured pearl within the oyster…

Then one day, another thought crept in… another kind of a reverie… a different sort of a vision…

It scared me until I could barely think about the changes that it would wreck on the unique reverie that I cherished…

It was like a breath of fresh air... it was radical, intrepid and daring… it still awoke that sense of nervousness in me at the thought of transformation or amendment of my novel thought…

And then like a careless whisper, it murmured into my being that it was there to help me evolve and not to completely alter me… like the soft fluttering of the leaves in the wind, it gave me hope… faith in it, to understand and appreciate the being that it was… it filled me with a sense of optimism that, together the thoughts and dreams, if merged into one, could make much more headway into making the possessors happier than what it was meant to be…

It filled me with a sense of elation and a new dream…

And my cup runneth over …..

Black, White or Gray!

How does it feel to get those fat droplets of rain fall on you and stand underneath it without a care in the world?

How does it feel to go walking along the lonely roads of the city at midnight, blowing little clouds on mist into the air and feel the cold still tugging at you through the jacket that you’ve worn?

How will it be to dance barefoot on a dew-drop filled terrace to your hearts’ content watching the first rays of the sun fall upon you?

How would it be to have a hot cup of tea in the middle of the night, watching the mist unfurl in the hours between darkness and light?

How does it feel to have a tiny tot touch you with its cute little fingers and cuddle up to you muttering sweet-nothings in the gibberish tongue that it speaks?

How does it feel when you come back after a long tiring day at work curl up in the easy chair with a glass of wine, soothing music and a good book, legs resting on the comforter, phone turned off, and just rest and relaxation surrounding you?

Does being free give you a complete picture of what the world looks like?

Does being in a relationship give you the sense of security and belongingness that we humans are always craving for?

Does being single help you notice things that you would otherwise be oblivious to?

Does breaking up with someone give you a whole new perspective on relationships or does it make you wary about the next relationship that comes your way?

Does the tug-of-war within your heart cease when you become on your own; to do what you want to; to be your own master; to take whatever decisions your heart/mind tells you to?

Compromises, Conciliations, Concessions, name it what you what, life is filled with this and much more… In the form of parents, spouse, siblings, friends, and people who care about you enough to protect you from the harsh realities of the so-called cruel world!

A desire to be free contrasting against the yearning to be wanted.

A longing to be free from the shackles that bind against the ache to be chained to the life that you are in now.

A strong wish to swim along with the flow of the mind against the pull of the heart.

There’s always a pull – push feeling.

A feeling of wanting to be in two places at once and having the best of both worlds.

Between the person I am and the person I want to be.

Disconnected...

Sometimes even with the closest of friends or relatives, you feel a disconnect… like you are in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person…

It would have been just minutes ago before you met the person that you would have been craving to meet up with them… missing them like crazy… waiting inanely for a word from them… any word… a gesture…

But when you actually meet them… then?? Then what happens? Nothing! Suddenly you feel like it’s better off not meeting them… at that point of time all you want to do is to be away at some other place … just not there..!! You don't feel like talking, you don't feel like you are a part of their world... You don't feel good about the fact that the tête-à-tête did not come out the way it was supposed to be...

Can’t explain it… Doesn’t feel good… But still happens!

Wonder why… Wonder how…

The craving’s satisfied… but the meeting is far from perfect…

Weird are the ways of the mind!!! Has it happened to you??

The calm after the storm....

She stood watching him go.

The irate strides. The angry gait. The frown on the face. The stiff shoulders. The clenched fists.

She was scared … about how things might turn out to be…

They had had a fight… not a big one… nor a serious one… but a fight all the same… it was their usual. But this time it seemed different somehow.

And for some reason this time around she was starting to feel livid. Livid because it was not her fault.

It was not her fault that he said something that annoyed her and she retorted back. It was not her fault that he got upset at the fact that she snapped at him. Most surprisingly because it was the first time that she was replying back angrily to him. Probably that was why he was upset.

She had always been careful around him. Keeping her tongue in check. Holding back her words. Keeping under wraps what she actually felt. All because she did not want him to feel bad. Or get hurt. Or worse than that not cause a problem for herself. Avoidance or escapism she did not know what it was!

But this time around she had not been able to hold back her emotions as effectively as she usually did.

They were supposed to go out on a date the next day. An entire day all for themselves. She had planned so many things for them. She had even planned a couple of surprises. All down the drain now.

She looked at his retreating back wondering if she should call him back. She did. He never even acknowledged the cry. With each time the cry grew more plaintive in nature. Tears flowed down her eyes freely. She sobbed and asked him to stop. Suddenly she was scared. Scared because of the insecurities haunting her. What would happen if he ended it? What would happen if he did not even bother about her?

She walked back to her room dejectedly. Let herself into her room and threw herself on to the bed. Wept her heart out. Sobbed like a baby.

She tried calling him. He did not pick up. She messaged him. He did not respond. She still did not give up. She kept trying. He switched off his phone.

She felt insulted. Offended. Scared. Angry. Snubbed. She felt the rage coursing through her. She was fuming. But her mind was calm and logical. She had had enough of this.

An ice-cold chillness swept through her. It was incredible the way emotions took hold of her. She was feeling sad, happy, relieved, scared, angry, calm all at once.

The chillness was delicious.

She read herself to sleep.

Sometime during the night, her phone beeped. A message came from him.

Nothing but a ‘Goodnight’.

She could feel that delicious chillness spreading through her again. She went back to sleep.

Early in the morning at around 6:00 she got a call from him. She was sleepy when the phone rang. Wide awake when she saw who it was calling. She picked it up and he asked her; “Are we not going on our date? Is it not time you were ready?”

She was stunned. Taken aback by surprise.

What went through this guy’s mind? Did not he remember the previous night’s events’? Had he forgotten them so soon? Did he not want to talk about it?

She realized that she had never understood him. His mind’s workings.

She told him very curtly – “I have not slept a wink last night. I want to sleep.”

He simply said “OK”.

She went back to sleep.

A peaceful undisturbed deep sleep.

No dreams. No nightmares.

She had sobbed like a baby half the night through. Now she slept like one.

Knitted Yarn...

The disclaimer exists no more…

I have moved all my ‘italicized’ posts… labeled as ‘Knitted Yarn’… to a new blog by the same name…

http://knitted-yarn.blogspot.com

I figured I will continue weaving my stories and spinning my yarns, fabricating lives over there… and have this blog for my normal life... :-)

Makes sense to me…!!

Little Bo Peep

She was a little girl.

She liked dolls. She enjoyed playing house. She loved to dress up in her mom’s saris, jewellery, put on makeup and feel as though she was all grown up.

She loved reading. She loved the way her imagination took over her and transported her to a fantasy land where everything had a happy ending.

She loved dancing. She loved the way her feet were steady when she tiptoed on them and the way they willingly bided her wishes.

She loved music. She loved the way the wind whispered in her ears and gave her music along with the trees and the rivers.

She loved being with people. She loved talking.

She loved being the cynosure of all eyes.She never judged people and trusted all and sundry.

She believed that all people were good and that everyone was nice and sweet and that no one would hurt anyone.

And then… She grew up!!

Que Sera Sera...

One step forward.

Into a new realm of life.

Blissful oblivion. Or not??

That one instant when time impedes, the world falls to a still, thoughts tumble over one another to gain precedence, when your entire life flashes over in a few frames… sepia tinted edges… black and white portraits…

A spatter of sentiments, a pepper of feelings, the gloom of doom, a silver lining amidst the haze, the adulation of a lifetime, an undying rage, the peep of a droplet in the iris, a dash of laughter, a sprinkle of desire, …..

Those umpteen instances that flashes, flickers and then sputters out …. More like those crackers that we used to buy for festivals, the fizzle, the boom, and then the fading smoke…. Life was all like that right…??? Or not…??? Maybe… maybe not…

If only… then maybe… perhaps… definitely…

The difference between a rut and a grave is only its depth… So true... So poignant..

What was this for in the present situation …A rut? A grave?

A new life?

Or the entanglement of the old one?

Vestiges of an empty mind.

Ruins of a dilapidated life.

Building up from where it was left. Trudging ahead with fortitude.

Que Sera Sera…

Footprints in the water....

They were like footprints in water.

Washed away.

And nothing remains!!!

How often have we thought that this is something/someone we will never ever forget for the rest of my life… and then it happens! They just fade away… they just grow lighter and fainter until they become just a blur and then they vanish.

The days I spent with them are like that.

They are in the blur stage now. It’s only a matter of time until they disappear.

And I do not know whether I am happy or sad about it.

Happy that for a short while at least I loved it or rather I thought I did. I am happy living in that mirage.

That portrait that I hold in my mind is the one that I treasure. And the one I would like to hold onto.

Sad that it ended the way it ended.

Regrets – Yes! Misgivings – No!

And that’s where the difference lies.

Synonymous words. But diverse meanings when looked at in a sense above the mundane.

Someone said – “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?”

True that is.

Time and again.

Pandora's Hope...

She stood at the window watching him go.

He turned back and gazed at her. With a twinkle in his eyes.

A smile creased his face. A smile full of warmth and care. A smile that said ‘I am there for you whatever you do, where you go and whatever happens!’

She could not believe her luck. Or rather her fortune. That was how it should be termed now.

He was all that she ever wanted in life; just that she had never realized it. She had been caught in a time-warp thinking she was someone else, acting like someone she was not. And now she knew the truth.

The human is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for s/he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.

She could be herself with him. She knew he would appreciate that. He would not stop her from doing what she wanted. He thought she was strong, confident and tough. She knew better.

Of course, she would always project herself as this suave, smart, go-getter. Someone who speaks her mind always when she was confronted with something. That was her. That was who she wanted to be. And that was how she portrayed herself in the meager hope that maybe someday it would be perceived as true.

But now she knew. She was that girl.

At least to him.

He believed in her.

And that gave her the strength.

Of earth and sea and the oceans free.....

She stared out of the train window…. It was drizzling lightly outside… she let the raindrops patter over her hand that she held out…. It felt so relieving… almost as if Mother Nature was telling that she was cleansing her mind and body, heart and soul … giving her a fresh start… and a fresh start it was! A fresh start… a new beginning… an unsullied, unmarked beginning… washing away all the scars and blemishes and rendering her as whole once again…

She had walked away from her previous life (yes! That’s how she termed it now)… a life filled with mistrust, suspicion, fights and brawls, tears and angst… the only thing that she could think of now about that phase of her life when she was happy or rather thought she was, was when … was when… was when… she could not dredge up even one instance… she smiled sardonically… not even one instance that she could recall of being happy in the past… and she had thought when she was in the midst of that bond that everything was hunky-dory, cloud nine, and in bliss… a quote came to her mind… a sarcastic quote –

“And what’s romance? Usually, a nice little tale where you have everything As You Like It, where rain never wets your jacket and gnats never bite your nose and it’s always daisy-time.”

Now that’s probably when pigs will fly and wishes will be horses…

She had undergone a lot during these past few years… but most of all, she had lost a lot… self-respect, confidence, her image in her own eyes, her independence, freedom… nothing materialistic, nothing acquisitive, in that sense… but a lot in the worldly sense… her days and nights were peppered with bouts of suspicion on her leading to stress, spells of despair and depression, fights all the time… for small things, trivial, and insignificant… her peace of mind had literally gone to pieces… she was forced to walk out of that….

Even when she took that drastic discussion of walking out, she was in a quandary …. A catch-22 situation… what would her close ones say… how would they react?? Their common friends… their families… their well-wishers… always praised as one of the best paired couples around… admired and commended by various people who knew them, their virtues extolled and their lives set as an example for others…. An outward act… like the bitter-sweet taste that was left in her mouth… she could neither spill her heart out or swallow the hurt and pain…. But all said and done, it was easier than she expected… when she had to take that final step, the ultimate act of cutting herself off the bond, the cord that bound them together… she had done it… unflinchingly… the fear was there… still there… but the anticipation of a gratis life… of being a free bird… it was overwhelming… and that was what made her walk off without a backward glance….
She looked around at the compartment…. An old woman was doing her daily prayers… “Namaz” it was called… a young lass was sitting on the seat opposite to her sipping coffee… She could see the swirls of the coffee reflected in the young girls’ glasses… people were ensconced in their own lives doing the things which made them happy… or maybe they did not have any choice… who knows? Was it just her life that was all messed up… who knows??She had promised herself that she would not walk down the lanes of these memories again… she would not re-live the pain and the hurt… the shame that she suffered, more than anything in her own eyes… but sometimes she could not help it… the past came rushing back at her with a vengeance sometimes… poking fun cruelly at her for her mistakes… mistakes that she had brought upon herself…

But no more! This was a new beginning… or an appropriate end… whichever way you looked at it…

She would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what her heart led her to and wondering what life had been like if she’d just been herself.

She was not going to be anyone’s puppet anymore… she was going to be her own master and live life on her terms… she owed at least that much to her life and her creator…

She was beginning afresh….

Flash of thunder… Lightning struck.. And then it rained…

Thud…Thud...Thud… Flutter…Thud…Thud…Thud…Flutter…

That’s my heart… beating madly like a caged bird…

I saw HIM again today… near the lifts…

Weak knees…rainbow in the horizon…music in my ears…

And I still do not understand why I go to pieces like this when I see HIM… I don’t know him from Adam… I don’t know which unit in my office he works for… I don’t know whether he is married/single/gay/bi or god-knows-what!!! But he looks so cute…

I still remember the first time I saw HIM in the cafeteria with a girl … Irony… I guessed they were going around… In spite of my thoughts, they looked good together… like the perfect couple… you know, like those dolls of the bride and groom on the wedding cake… I wanted to smash it!!! Cake and all… this was the scene for a couple of episodes more and the guy never even glanced at me… It was like I never even existed in that world of his… And then as suddenly as they appeared, the couple disappeared… it was just HIM now…

Wondered for a couple of days as to where the girl went… did she go off on an onsite assignment? Maybe she got married (high hopes!)?? Maybe she got a new job (good riddance!)?? … Then I stopped thinking about her disappearance … after all I had better things to think of… Courtesy HIM. :-)

I did not understand why I was behaving like a silly teenager… It was not like I was seeing a guy for the first time… God knew that I have seen enough in my life so far… My knees literally went weak when I saw him… my heart went on a rampage… thoughts of him – us filled my head… and still I did not have the courage to talk to him, to muster even a smile, to say hi and get talking… Nopes! I got cold feet… Me who has always been an extrovert… Me who never found it hard to get a conversation started… it all kind of got lost in his dimples..!!!

I kept seeing him, bumping into him in the cafeteria or on his floor where we used to go for coffee… not that we did not have a coffee vending machine in our floor… the floor below gave us more privacy to bitch about our work … but I am going off on a tangent now.. Away from the topic… I kept seeing him once in a while… random appearances… he never once looked at me… or even if he did, he averts his eyes quickly, as though someone will admonish him… Silly guy!!

Then one day, he gave me a weird look so as to say “I know what you are thinking…And it’s never going to happen!!!” Almost as if he was thinking of me in a very sarcastic, arrogant manner… like he was Greek God Adonis or something… Almost as if I never would ever exist for him even if I was at my alluring best!!

And poof! There it went… thanks to that male egoistic superiority complex riddled fool…

Ok, that’s just my assumption as to what he thought… but it was quite a weird look… and anyways maybe it’s an excuse for me to not give him or his thoughts time of the day… and there it all ended… even before it started…

Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend….

A hot cup of coffee, vapors rising off the cup in a haze, clouding her face…

Raindrop rhythms pitter-patter on the roof….

The faint scent of the freshly washed earth lingers in the olfactory long after Mother Nature has shown her wonders…

She sits by the window-sill holding the cup inside her hands willing it to spread its warmth to her as well…

Rains have a strange way of making one reminisce; ….

Brings back memories and along with it fresh aches and stab… things of the past beckon to her… signals and gestures her to unlock those carefully preserved memories, brush them out of their hiding place, glance through them once more and then push them back inside into the deep recesses of her mind where they would stay safe until the next time it rained….

What had happened to her life… from who she was to how she is…. From the person she was to the one she had become… transformation some call it… … or in the most esoteric sense metamorphosis… good, bad, ugly – she did not know…

What changed her?? Why did she become like this?? She was a carefree, happy-go-lucky, bubbly girl… when did she change into this dull, dreary droopy girl???

She fell in love… And she fell hard!

No, it was not like the movies… nor like the books she read… lightning did not strike, bells did not chime, no one swept her off her feet… but she still fell hard for Him. He was nothing different from the rest of the tribe she associated him with. He had nothing special so as to speak of… until then she did not know that she could be capable of such love…. Unconditional, pure, unadulterated absolute love….

He was cute, alright! That curly mop of hair that flopped over his forehead every time he shook his head… the way his eyes lit up when she walked into the room… the way she missed him when he left the room even for a minute… when she was with him, she was unmindful of the rest of the world… they simply did not exist for her! She was that much in love…

She had met him when she was waiting for her bus in front of her college… it was raining again that day and both of them looked miserable standing in that downpour …. They had bonded instantly! He came to her and stood shyly without uttering a word… she was the one who started talking to him… come to think of it… she was the only one who ever spoke!!! He only listened!! And how sweet is that!!!

They spent almost all their time together after that… where she went he followed her like Mary’s little lamb… if she got angry at him he would not eat but just sit and sulk until she called to him and soothed him with consoling words, and pacified him…

They had had such wonderful moments together …. Going for long walks, sitting on the beach looking at countless sunsets, munching on the snacks at the beach, playing tag, walking back home tired and muddy…. And of course rains! Who could ever forget that!! That special tribute that they paid to rain together, standing for hours under the spray of cloudburst, but running inside the moment it changes to thunderstorms… as she recollected he was always scared of thunderstorms… a faint smile tugs at the corners of her lips… there were so many of those memorable moments that she could recall…

Until that fateful day!! The fight and the aftermath…

It had been so silly! He had spilt a bottle of ink on her project idea… she had been working on it all day long and it was in its finishing stages… she was quite proud of it… it was something that she had been living and breathing (apart from him of course!) for about 2 months and she was almost close to completing it and wrapping it up… he had come rushing in to the room to show her something and had accidently jostled the bottle of ink… Splash! It fell all over her hard slog and the hours she had put in burning the midnight oil… all were washed away in hues on blue, red and black…. In that moment of fury, rage took over and she had shouted at him… she was unmindful of the words she said… he tried cajoling her and begging her forgiveness… she was unrelenting until he rushed out of the house…

The next thing she heard was tires screeching to a halt on the asphalt… horns blowing, a yelp of pain and then silence!!!

She ran outside to find him lying still on the path… unmoving… lifeless… frozen in that moment of time…

And just like that she had lost her best friend… the one being she had held close to her heart… the one soul she had loved with all her heart…

How could someone change her so much?? How could someone show her how much they meant to her?? There was not a moment that she did not regret it…

It had been abt a month now! The letters were almost faint on the tombstone where she had buried him!!! But she could still make it out…

“The times spent with you are like memory’s treasure; the beauty of which has no measure…!”

She thought... He thought...

She thought he was obnoxious. He thought she had loads of attitude for nothing.

She thought he was ill-mannered. He thought she was stuck-up.

This was not how it was or should have been…. This was what it was a week after they met at college.

Him with his thick-almost-opaque glasses, unruly bushy hair, ungainly gait, he had come running to her that first day, when she was with her dad at the bank opening her account. She was taken aback for a minute when he had bounded towards her like a big shaggy dog.

She with her dad, wearing a salwar-kameez, clumsily balancing the various pieces of paper that were hell-bent on slipping from her hands. Diffident, keeping a stony face, not exhibiting any kind of outward emotion, praying that the 2 years here better be good or else…

They shook hands, got introduced to each other and parted ways until they met in class the next day.

Next day was no better. They spoke minimum and in the course of a few minutes he was the only one talking and she was pretending to listen, her mind elsewhere… they drifted apart in a few days and he found new interests and so did she. New friends, different gangs, varied interests, girl-friends and boy-friends…. They hated each other in college. Could not stand the sight of each other. Hated each others’ guts. Tried to put each other down at every given opportunity. And in every sense, proved to everybody that they were the worst enemies.

Days passed. They were thrown together at regular intervals during the course of studies – assignments, programmes, classes, presentations, a lot not unlike the rest of the batch. They still hated each other. They could not wait for the assignments and the class work to get over so that they could get back to hating each other… being subtly sarcastic about everything the other did. Sounds like the beginning of a love story??? Not quite!!!

Classes got over, placements began. To their dismay they were placed in the same company. Same place. Same company. Staying together along with a bunch of other friends. Not quite the idea each had in mind for the freedom they craved, the independence they sought. Life did not get any better.

They broke up with their respective boyfriend/girlfriend, moved on in life… and still never quite managing to like each other.

He still hated her attitude or the lack of one as he called it. She thought he had just grown worse with time. Verbal lashings, slamming of doors, irritating obnoxious behavior, calling each other all sorts of names … all of this continued.

But now somewhere along the way, things changed a bit. She got to know more about him and so did he. They still did not change their opinion about each other. But now talking to each other got real easy. Things unsaid they understood within a jiffy. He still hated her way of life and she his.

He thought she was rigid and unbending. She thought he was careless and sloppy.

Maybe the fact that they belonged to the same sun sign, maybe the fact that they were not actually interested in each other from that point of view but at least it helped that they could freely talk about anything that they wanted regardless of what the other thought. They just did not care about that!

A year has passed since they have been thrust together in being cordial and friendly and somehow it’s not as bad as one thinks it would be.

He still thinks that she should get a life and enjoy it more often than restricting herself. But he also admires the fact that she chooses to do what she wants to keep herself happy irrespective of societal constraints.

She still thinks that he is a shoddy intolerable freak who does not care about anyone else other than himself. But she also likes the fact that she can speak to him openly and he would not be judgmental.

You cannot term them best friends, or even good friends. But friends they are….

Do they care for each other?? Maybe not in the way that they do for the ones they love.

Do they like each other?? Of course they do… but in a purely platonic way….

But friends they are…

Not one to turn in strife or to cry together over split milk… that too… but more than that to talk to each other not bothered about what the other one thinks… no strings attached… no rules in place…. Because they simply do not care…!!!

Are they friends forever?? Only time will tell…