Has it been 13 years already? :-)

13 years ago, on this day, I started this blog on a whim. What started in the beginning as an outlet to keep myself from being bored, soon turned into something that has been a constant throughout. Even through my prolonged disappearances and the false promises to be a regular, this space has always been there at the back of my mind, like a long-lost friend, waiting for me to reach out to her. 

Pic Source - Magma Digital

This blog has seen me evolve from an amateur writer to someone who can express herself clearly. It has seen me through relationships, friendships, life’s ups and downs, happy memories, sad ones, almost everything that has made me into the person I am today. And my evolution can clearly be seen in my writing as well. When I read those posts written in 2006 to the posts that I write now, I can see the difference myself. No, I am not saying that I am ashamed of the old posts. They were written by the girl who had her head in the clouds and stars in her eyes. They were written by the girl who was hot-headed and always wanted to please everyone even while putting herself at an inconvenience. They were written by the girl who was immature and idealistic. They were written by the girl who had a tune in her head, a spring in her step and a story always in her mind. They were written by the girl who was learning what it was to step into the big bad world and learn what it was to be independent.

You know, sometimes I miss the older versions of me. Especially the happy-go-lucky version, the one without a care about anything in the world, the one who knew she could do whatever she wanted. This was the version of me who was gung-ho about trying new things, having new experiences, etc. I partied every weekend, binge ate every given opportunity and basically treated my body like I owned it. Night-outs were the order of the day (err.. night!) and the next day was the usual, office, routine, up and about, swinging endless cups of coffee, red bull and other such energy providing drinks. Impromptu trips were planned over drunken nights, and impulsive decisions were taken only not to be followed through and sometimes very rarely followed through. Vacations followed standard steps - take the cheapest flight, rough it out at the reasonably priced hotels and live in the moment, no planning, no sticking to a schedule, one backpack to fit everything and budget was the way to go. Life decisions could wait, planning for the future could wait and the main thing in life was living in the moment, having fun.

But now I “think” I am a lot more grounded. Plenty of things have changed from back then. My definition of fun has changed a lot. Maybe growing older does that to you. Marriage, a child, job, career, running a household, making it a home, these things now take priority over reading, dancing, writing. At the beginning of this year, much like every year, I took up the reading challenge and challenged myself to read 25 books. A friend had commented that if that happens with a baby in tow, she would be impressed. At that point, I thought, come on it is just 2 books a month and 24 books will just whizz by. We are now in the 9^th month of the year. I have read exactly 5 books to this date for the year and none of them were life-changing or heavy-duty. Rather, they were watered down versions of chick-lit. And honestly, it doesn’t even cross my mind until I see someone post about a book they read. It has been years since I went out to a club. I don’t remember when I last danced. Like I said, priorities have changed. Life now craves for the mundane, the ordinary, the routine.

This blog is one of those routine things. It’s like a deep-rooted tradition, if not a post regularly, at least a post a year. When I completed the post on Ekalavya, almost 2 years after I had written part 1, I was pleased to say the least. It had been sitting in my drafts, in my mind and every single time I opened my laptop, it would remind me that I hadn’t yet finished the post on Ekalavya. It is definitely not something that I would say is my best work. But it is a start after ages of not having penned anything.

For the longest time, there was this deep sense of unrest within me. Like something was nagging my soul. Words that would form and then disappear. Sentences that would start and then vanish. When I started writing again, those flutters of strife started fading. I felt contented and instantly calm.

People emote in a variety of ways.    

          

Some talk. Some cry. For a few it is through the arts – music, dance, painting. For some others it is through actions.

Me – I write! 

30 things that make me smile! :) :)

I like today’s prompt … it makes me feel all nice, warm and fuzzy when I think about these things and trust me it was no easy task to think up of things that would make me smile… I am sure I would have a lot more if I dredge up the energy to think, but some of these materialistic and not-so-materialistic things should do for now…

And therefore, in no particular order ...

“Traditions that I have formed or those that have been followed for ages at home. Going back home for a vacation and checking out each nook, cranny and corner for familiar smells and things. Black and white photographs. Random hugs from the back. Dancing and sweating it out and having an ‘endorphin’ high! A very well made cup of coffee with just the right amount of milk and very little sugar. Drizzles on the face while taking long walks. Songs, places, things that bring back bitter-sweet memories. Surprises when you least expect it. A long road trip. Bike rides or car drives where the window is open and the breeze is on your face bringing with it those stray droplets. The smell of old books. Road-side tea and samosas. Visiting temples just in time to see the deeparadhanai and listening to the legends of what made these temples special. The smell of chembakam flowers that brings back memories of Kalam and elaneer! Soft cotton sarees which fall just-so-right. Vatthakozhambu and potato fry. Babies and that baby smell that pervades the room when they are around. Sunsets and sunrises (whenever I get a chance). Subtle word plays. A good book that keeps me thinking about it for the next couple of hours or days. Walking barefoot on morning dew filled grass! Early morning quiet. Big furry dogs. Adventure sports and the high that comes with it. A feel-good movie or a well-choreographed dance performance or a well-sung song! Unexpected compliments. Traveling to a new place, soaking in the sights and the culture. Decade old friendships and the memories associated with them. 

A post well-written.”

Are you a book re-reader? Tell us about a favourite you have read many times.

Guilty as charged on the book re-reading aspect. I always end up reading any book that I buy at least twice.

“If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”

― Oscar Wilde

And on that count, the books that I have read the maximum number of times, would have to be ‘The Godfather’ and ‘Harry Potter’ series. I have written about both these books, plenty of times in this blog.

‘The Godfather’ has been and will be my most favourite book ever. I must have read it at least a few times short of 100. :) It heralded my reading into the dimension of serious and better books.

I started reading the Godfather when I was laid up in bed after a very eventful appendicitis operation. With nothing to do and not being able to climb the stairs to my bookshelf, I had asked mom to pick up books and give so that I could at least read. Until then, my repertoire was only filled with Sidney Sheldons and Mary Higgins Clarks. Reading ‘The Godfather’ was a revelation. The character and their arcs, the strategies and the mind games, and the final few chapters were simply mind-blowing. And the best of all, MICHAEL CORLEONE. For the longest time, he haunted my dreams ;-). The minute I think about Michael Corleone, the first words that come to my mind are “the delicious icy chillness that filled his brain”. Phew!! Enough said. Michael Corleone, the fictional character, will always be my top most love! :) :)

About the Harry Potter series, enough has been written in this blog about how I started reading the series and how it has influenced my life. Whenever I tell people that one of my favourite series is the Harry Potter series, I am almost always met with a sense of scepticism. Probably they think that it’s a kids’ book. Or that since its fantasy, it is no way connected to our world. Or maybe it has been portrayed as “a book about magic”. Lot of life lessons in there, subtly hidden as part of the overall storyline. Its written much better here, by this blogger.

If you haven’t read either of the books, please do. You will definitely like them, if you read them with an open mind.

I guarantee it! :)

When self-doubt hits!

I skipped the blogs for the last two days.

I had no specific reason. I am not going to give any excuses or apologize for that. I can vouch for the fact that I am no big writer neither am I so brilliant that people wait to read my blogs. At the most, I am average. Sometimes I write well, sometimes I don’t. So even when I started this blogathon, I had this niggling doubt in mind, that I was not really going to write to my satisfaction. And that doubt was reaffirmed when it was pointed out that I wasn’t doing any favours to my writing by doing something and writing something every day on the lines of “I don’t know what to post”  .. “I have no idea what to write” etc. The old me would have just taken those words to heart and would have just quit. I would have thought to myself, yes they are right! I am not doing this!!

But now, I want to write. I still want to finish this blogathon. I know those two days are going to hang over my head, but I still want to do this. Pig-headedness as some might call it. But I don’t want to quit this. I don’t want to let this go like how I let go of the other things that I started so easily. And every time these days when I get that doubt, there is other quote that comes to mind – “The worst thing you write is better than the best thing you didn’t write!!” – It’s what I posted on the first blog I wrote for the blogathon. That reaffirms me. :D

So today I will share with you something I wrote a long while back. During one of those dark phases. It is a very abstract piece. It’s something that I wrote in a span of a few moments a few years ago. Tidbits that I write, save and don't find the courage to publish! :) I don't really remember what made me write this, probably must be one of those black moods. 

Here goes…

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“There is a morbid pleasure that we as humans derive in subjecting ourselves to abject misery.

That feeling of martyrdom that elevates in ourselves a feeling of superiority.

The feeling that because we are so miserable; we are in a much loftier position than the rest of the world that is happily cocooned in their contented lives.

After all what do they know of what suffering we have undergone and how it has transformed us into what we are today as opposed to what we were before this so-called misery was thrust upon us. 

Who could say how we might have ended up had we not been through so much!

All of us are broken in that sort of way. Some take a long time to recoup. For some others it’s just a matter of time. And for sometimes very rarely, it is quick and painless when they meet the right person(s). That of course depends on whether you find the right person and you recognize them to be so.

Various moments. Various right kinds of people.

Right for then, at that point of time.

Wrong for other times.

Half the time I think what happens is that you make do with what you have and forget the quest for what you want.

And therein lies the difference.”

The struggle to persevere!

Day 2 and am wracking my brains on what to write. I know it’s too soon, but I totally understand how hard it is to write something and publish it on a daily basis. If I sound like a crib-pot, I am sorry but that’s not what I want this to come across as.

I have already discarded three topics, and shut down the drafts that I started penning on them. I have a few ideas that I really do want to write about, but somehow for some reason none of them are striking quite the right chord today. And now as I see the clock ticking towards the midnight deadline, I can feel the old stress creeping up. :) I promised myself that I wouldn’t get stressed for something as trivial as this, but I do need to pen down something for myself more than anything else and that’s when I realize that this isn’t as trivial as I thought it to be.

I do make it sound like a big deal, huh! :) But of course IT IS A BIG DEAL, for me!

At the beginning of the year, I made a bucket list of sorts. :) things that I wanted to accomplish this year. I think the very many trips last year had something to do with it. But I figured all is well, it’s always good to have something listed down and I have very specific goals that I want to complete this year. Some are quite simple like starting to read a new author, others not so much for eg: learning to swim!!

This blogathon is one of the things on that bucket list.

And as the years catch up on me, I find that its becoming very very hard to let go of things as easily as I could. There’s that dull prick inside of me that keeps telling me that I gave up too easily too soon. Of course, along with many things that have changed within me, this one has gotten stronger – when something means a lot to me, I don’t really give up on it, I keep coming back to it, one way or the other holding and not really letting go! :)

It makes me realize how much has changed within me over the past few years. Of how I am no longer the person I used to be. Of how my priorities have changed. Of how right now I am craving to hold on to my roots and my upbringing in a weird way that’s almost laughable. But that’s a post for another day, people!

For now, all I want to say is that, I will persevere. This is more a note to myself than to anyone else there, but it does make it sound very official and all that, now that it’s up on the blog for the entire world to see! Amps up the pressure I tell you, which is also a good thing! :)

And now for some weird reason, I have that Hum Honge Kamyaab song running in my head!

Oh well! :P

Until tomorrow... Peace out! :)

As far as it goes ...

There are these very few times this undeniable urge to write strikes me! Like this itch that will not go until I spill out what is in my mind.

It’s probably because of all the blog posts that I read last month and the blogathon that took place in Jan 2016. Which led me to think that I should probably do one too!! Like maybe commemorate a decade of blogging. I mean, I should have just done one along with the rest of the world last month, but the bright idea didn’t strike me until a little late into the month and therefore the spill-over into the second month of this year... I actually even thought that I should wait until September, you know the month I started blogging back in 2006. Cheesy much? :) But who has that much patience!! :) Definitely not me. :) And therefore I preponed it to this month. Also lesser number of days in Feb and all that. ;)

The funny part about this is that I do not have anything to say most of the time. Not for today, not for this week and most certainly not for this entire month. I figured I could cross that bridge when I come to it! ;). However, the even funnier part is I am the most comfortable when it comes to writing down stuff than talking it out. I have no idea why. I simply see it more coherently and clearly, when I am writing it down.

As the years roll by, I realize that I have started giving writing as much importance as I give dancing. The fact that I don’t do both as much as I would like to is something that makes me feel immensely guilty. In fact, I didn’t really realize how much I craved putting words to my thoughts until a few weeks ago when I was really stressed and I just went and got myself a notebook and pen – an impulse buy! It was when I started penning into that, I realized how much of peace it brought me.

For all that happens and has happened, I don’t know if I have started something yet again, that I cannot finish. Remember the 100 happy days’ fiasco. But right now, the important thing to me is that I have started this. I’ll let it go as long as it does. No pressure. No compulsions. Just the need to keep writing.

People unwind in different ways … vent out their emotions in various ways.

Some sleep. Some drink. Some go wild. Some go quiet. Some start to shout. And some others cry.

Me – I look for myself, I find myself and I lose myself in words. 

Sometimes my own, sometimes someone else’s.