What did you think you'd be when you grew up?

Ok! That’s a good question. Honestly, I don’t remember. And frankly, a little too late to answer this question, I suppose!! ;-) 

All the while, growing up, there were different things I wanted to do. One year I wanted to be a newsreader, another year I wanted to be a journalist, some time in between I wanted to pursue dance full-time, and at other times I wanted to be a CA, you know follow dad’s footsteps and all that. One thing I was extremely clear about was that I would never be an engineer or a doctor. Aversion to science influenced that decision pretty heavily. ;)

But then once I finished schooling and graduation in commerce, I didn’t really have a clue as to what I really wanted to do. At that point I wasn’t very keen on CA, having given the foundation exam and not faring well, the ego took quite a beating! :-/ A lot of my classmates were bandying about MBA, CAT, XAT etc., so I decided to join that bandwagon. Took a year off after graduation, did my MBA preparations (yeah right!) and then got into ASB. And then finished that, got placed and now I am in a job that has nothing to do with what I majored in MBA. Okay! Maybe just a little bit to do with what I studied.

If you still ask me, what I really want to do, I have no clue yet. All I know is, this corporate career doesn’t warm the cockles of my heart, even if it does pay the bills. And currently, I am not exactly gutsy enough to venture into that something that I don’t know for sure. A few months ago, though, when the lines on my forehead were getting a little too deep for my liking, I wanted to call it quits on the corporate front by mid-life, move to the foothills of some mountain and set up a cottage there and be there, writing, reading etc., but that sounds far-fetched even to my ears now. Sigh! But maybe someday, huh!

The one thing I was and still am when it comes to it, is that I was never the ambitious sort. Worst case, my ambition would probably be to ensure that I have enough security – emotionally and financially – and I’d be sorted. So, I think yeah, contentment was the one thing that I always leaned towards. 

Right! I think I am getting a little too preachy here! :P 

Even now, my ambitions are still stagnant, in terms of career and such. As long as it pays the bills, I am good.

As for the rest of what makes my soul happy, I have my diversions! :)

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is…

Oh boy! One thing? I have plenty! Why stop at one?

Considering, my teenage was about a decade and half back, which sounds ages back, when you think about it, there are so many things that I would like to tell my younger self. I did that once, a long time back, a tag I think! This one, here!

But let me do this the right way!

Dear Younger ME,

Hi! This is your older, and hopefully more self-assured self, writing to you from the future! I know, Right! BAM! From the future, yes!

So, there are a couple of things I wanted to tell you, so that you could prepare yourself for what’s coming your way. Scared much? Don’t be! It’s nothing radical or out of the box, okay maybe 1-2 things are radical! But I’ll prepare you for it. Not to worry.

The first thing I would like to tell you is stop ‘going with the flow’. Seriously, stop it right now! Stop doing it and stop saying it. There is no such thing really! ‘Going with the flow’ is a term that some jobless fellow concocted somewhere so that people like us use it and feel all self-important. You will never ever go along with the flow, how much ever you say you are! Heck! I am still not going with the flow, much as I say I am! So, don’t say it, don’t think it, don’t do it. Right! Ok? Ok.

The second one is, control your temper. This one, I don’t really need to tell you because you will learn it yourself, no not the hard way, but as part of your self-realization. But I am saying, just in case!

The next thing is, please start practicing a better dress sense. I mean, yes, I know, you think of yourself as a tomboy and you have that don’t-care attitude when it comes to clothes going under the norm of comfort-over-style but trust me, you can be comfortable and stylish at the same time. Yep! That can happen! Note to self - Straight-cut jeans do not become you. They make you look even more boyish, if that is imaginable. And stop wearing collared tee-shirts. You are a tomboy. Not a boy. Add more colours into your wardrobe; black and greys are not the only colours you see. And if it’s possible, try to start liking the colour PINK. You’ll be surrounded by it at one point in the future. And also, learn how to drape a saree, much before you are thrust into the unfavourable situation of looking at a YouTube video and learning. You have a much better teacher at home – our mother! Oh, and while you are it, why not just get a full wardrobe makeover? Okay! I think I have said whatever I have wanted to, on this subject. This one is never going to happen! I know! Fashion disaster that I am! :-/

Coming to the serious stuff, there are going to be times in the future, when you will feel like you are breaking down, mentally, physically and psychologically. No, you are not a loony-bin and you won’t ever become one – at least until you are 32. See what I did there ;-). You will have plenty of good times outweighing the bad, but these struggle periods while they are far and between, will be extremely trying, for you as well as for the people surrounding you, thanks to the pig-headedness that is a part of your character. I just want to tell you, it’s not a bad thing to give in, and accept failure at times. Put aside that ego. Put aside the thought of being a failure. It’s really not such a bad thing to accept that you are a failure in some things. Take multiple stabs at it, put in your effort and if it works, well and good, if it doesn’t, never mind, there will be a reason for why it didn’t work even after all the effort. People will say stuff, like this was not enough effort and this isn’t how things are done and all such sort of nonsense, don’t take it to heart. They are not the ones dealing with it. YOU ARE! And, you know your threshold, the best! Lots of things will happen during your 20s. In your case, they will be the tumultuous twenties. Don’t give up, even when you feel like doing so. Appa, Amma and Achu will be there all along the way with you, supporting you and keeping you together. You’ll lose people you thought were going to be with you for the rest of your life, you will learn what it means to be without having anyone to confide in, and you will learn what loneliness is. But, you will also learn how to be more independent, and find people that you can be as sure of as you are of yourself, and most importantly, YOU WILL GROW and learn that being alone is not really such a tough thing! Hell, after a point you will start craving for this solitude at times. I am not telling this to scare you or to put you in a spot. These are things that happen pretty commonly, which you will learn soon, I am telling you this because, the sooner you learn to accept things quickly, the better life will become.

Oh also, before I forget, you have a penchant for drama. No, by that I don’t mean that you do drama in the future (I know you are a drama-queen NOW!!), but that you will attract drama like nobody’s business. But then this is pretty normal too! Everyone deals with drama all the time. Some, a little more than others. I don’t have to really tell you which category you fall into. Even if you don’t like it, deal with it. Learn to handle it. Word of caution – don’t try to avoid it. It will find you and you will have to tolerate it. Don’t worry, it’s not going to be that bad!

I think this has already turned into a long enough letter. Ultimately what I really want to say is this. You are a strong girl, no, not physically. You know what I mean! Mostly I think it is your stubbornness that gets you through. But, there is no denying the fact that it takes a lot to break you and this is something that you should be proud of. This is one of those things that will define your individuality and the person you are or rather will be. You’ll learn it as you go. See, the thing is, everyone is different, everyone has their own set of competencies. As do you. So, don’t lose heart and don’t try to become someone you are not. People who like you and want to be with you, will do so because of whoever you are. Don’t fret too much about it.

Be who you are and try to better yourself at that. At the end of the day, the competition and the comparison is going to be with just yourself.

I am really really proud of where we are and the journey that has been till now! It’s been a good ride so far and from here on, I hope it is as awesome as it can possibly be! :) :) 

Take care, love you. 

ME! 

30 things that make me smile! :) :)

I like today’s prompt … it makes me feel all nice, warm and fuzzy when I think about these things and trust me it was no easy task to think up of things that would make me smile… I am sure I would have a lot more if I dredge up the energy to think, but some of these materialistic and not-so-materialistic things should do for now…

And therefore, in no particular order ...

“Traditions that I have formed or those that have been followed for ages at home. Going back home for a vacation and checking out each nook, cranny and corner for familiar smells and things. Black and white photographs. Random hugs from the back. Dancing and sweating it out and having an ‘endorphin’ high! A very well made cup of coffee with just the right amount of milk and very little sugar. Drizzles on the face while taking long walks. Songs, places, things that bring back bitter-sweet memories. Surprises when you least expect it. A long road trip. Bike rides or car drives where the window is open and the breeze is on your face bringing with it those stray droplets. The smell of old books. Road-side tea and samosas. Visiting temples just in time to see the deeparadhanai and listening to the legends of what made these temples special. The smell of chembakam flowers that brings back memories of Kalam and elaneer! Soft cotton sarees which fall just-so-right. Vatthakozhambu and potato fry. Babies and that baby smell that pervades the room when they are around. Sunsets and sunrises (whenever I get a chance). Subtle word plays. A good book that keeps me thinking about it for the next couple of hours or days. Walking barefoot on morning dew filled grass! Early morning quiet. Big furry dogs. Adventure sports and the high that comes with it. A feel-good movie or a well-choreographed dance performance or a well-sung song! Unexpected compliments. Traveling to a new place, soaking in the sights and the culture. Decade old friendships and the memories associated with them. 

A post well-written.”

Three Good Things

I have been asked to write about three good things today.

I don’t really know, what context they mean here, but as always, I’d like to write about the top three good things in my life.

# 1 – The Perfect Support System - FAMILY

I know I have talked plenty about my family over posts in the blog, but I don’t really know if I have said this. My parents have always been more my friends than parents. When me and Achu crossed our teenage years, Appa and Amma took a step back from being parents and started gelling with us more as friends. So, until this day, our dining table conversations are peppered with an all-inclusive set of topics, sometimes bordering on the inappropriate for the dinner table. :P Of course, they still do wring their hands in exasperation over the things their offspring end up doing, not listening to them. The parental force kicks on in full swing on and off during those times. ;) We have stuck by each other, all through the ups and downs and anything important I embark upon, like interviews, fresh starts, and new beginnings, I ensure that they are the last people I speak to. :)

# 2 – F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Enough has been written on this blog about the circle of friends I have as well. They say friends are the family you can choose and in that sense, while I have had a few hits and misses here and there, mostly, I have found the ones that will stick by me through apocalypses and ends of the world and it definitely is vice versa as well. When friendships span over years, you learn the minutest of things about each other, deal breakers, things that you don’t agree on, distances that exist only in time and not in mind. If you have surpassed all that and your friendship still has the same intensity as it always has been, pat yourselves on the back. It is extremely difficult to cross all bridges and get to where you are and still pick up from where you left the last time, with no awkwardness hanging in the air. The closest friends that I have in my life, I can probably count on one hand. These are the people who will take a bullet for me. And I’d gladly do so for them as well.

# 3 – Reading and Dancing.

I have my parents to be grateful for both of those, for inculcating in me these things that makes me, ME.

Some of my best memories are those of reading -  those wondrous afternoons of lying down on the huge cool floor in Kalam, turning pages and looking at pictures in those big hardbound books, smuggling the comic books inside textbooks and pretending to be studying, train journeys that start with pestering Appa to buy me a Champak or a Gokulam, Amma lugging big bags of second-hand books, Enid Blytons, Nancy Drews, Hardy Boys, from the old books shops in Coimbatore, my Manni’s library card that I appropriated and ended up not letting her pick up books, the second hand sales at Hyderabad, discovering flipkart and cash on delivery options and now the Kindle. So many books, so little time to read.  

I have my mom to be thankful for the passion I have for dance. She is the one who pushed me those early rainy mornings, to wake up and be ready for the thrice a week classes before school, for those endless waits during my practice sessions for performances, for encouraging me to choreograph on my own, for pushing me to limits, that I would never ever have imagined doing all alone. And you know what, all that cheering and trudging on, have paid off. Today whatever stamina that I have or that I endure is because of those years of training. Today, even if you ask me to go on dancing non-stop, I’d find conviction in myself to do that.

Dancing is my escape route - from the world, from sadness, from frustrations, from stress, from ‘when everything gets too much to handle’. Muscle memory they say, the way your feet start tapping when you hear familiar rhythms, the way your hands move and your eyes express themselves. In my head, I am always dancing, always choreographing. It’s my go-to option when I have tune out during those endless meetings, travel journeys with only music for company.

It’s like how Rumi said –

“Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.”,

There! Those are my top 3 good things - What are yours? :)

Are you a book re-reader? Tell us about a favourite you have read many times.

Guilty as charged on the book re-reading aspect. I always end up reading any book that I buy at least twice.

“If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”

― Oscar Wilde

And on that count, the books that I have read the maximum number of times, would have to be ‘The Godfather’ and ‘Harry Potter’ series. I have written about both these books, plenty of times in this blog.

‘The Godfather’ has been and will be my most favourite book ever. I must have read it at least a few times short of 100. :) It heralded my reading into the dimension of serious and better books.

I started reading the Godfather when I was laid up in bed after a very eventful appendicitis operation. With nothing to do and not being able to climb the stairs to my bookshelf, I had asked mom to pick up books and give so that I could at least read. Until then, my repertoire was only filled with Sidney Sheldons and Mary Higgins Clarks. Reading ‘The Godfather’ was a revelation. The character and their arcs, the strategies and the mind games, and the final few chapters were simply mind-blowing. And the best of all, MICHAEL CORLEONE. For the longest time, he haunted my dreams ;-). The minute I think about Michael Corleone, the first words that come to my mind are “the delicious icy chillness that filled his brain”. Phew!! Enough said. Michael Corleone, the fictional character, will always be my top most love! :) :)

About the Harry Potter series, enough has been written in this blog about how I started reading the series and how it has influenced my life. Whenever I tell people that one of my favourite series is the Harry Potter series, I am almost always met with a sense of scepticism. Probably they think that it’s a kids’ book. Or that since its fantasy, it is no way connected to our world. Or maybe it has been portrayed as “a book about magic”. Lot of life lessons in there, subtly hidden as part of the overall storyline. Its written much better here, by this blogger.

If you haven’t read either of the books, please do. You will definitely like them, if you read them with an open mind.

I guarantee it! :)

10 words to describe a 30-something me!

So, the prompt today asked me to describe myself in 10 words.

Tough task that is!

A long time back I had written this blog post – THIS IS ME.

Of course, over the years it has seen a few iterations and over the last couple of years plenty more, though they haven’t been updated on that post. But most of the stuff in that post, still holds true, even if it does come across as narcissistic, bordering on false perfection.

Describing myself in 10 words is by far one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write.

The below are the top 10 words that would describe me NOW at this point of time.

Dancer. Reader. Closet Writer. Pragmatist. Stubborn. Travel-holic. Trivia Addict. Pluviophile. Materialistic. INTROVERT.

The top 4 are the ones that I identify with the most. The first 3 have now become my individuality.

The 5^th one, I’d rather prefer what Amma says about me. She says I have a lot of will-power when I need to get something done, but of course, that something has to be something that I need / want / desire / must-have. And I always disagreed with her until recent times, when I see myself doing things that I really really want and seeing the stubbornness reflected.

The 6^th one is a recent addition, thanks to the privilege of being in a place that has access to visit most of the South-East Asian countries, at a reasonable price. And I hope it increases in fervour as the years pass by.

The 7^th is as a result of my something a good friend of mine told me in MBA. Of course, me being me, took it a little too harshly, but once I started doing those random readings, web-hopping, it caught on like wild-fire. Suffice to say, I thrive on trivia these days.

The 8th I have expounded on enough here. :-)

The 9th of course is something that is inherent in me. I hate change. I like my things how they are, and how they have been for years. Force of habit you could say, and in that sense alone, I am extremely materialistic when it comes to my comfort zone.  I like comfort, I like security and I definitely need to know where the next paycheck is coming from to keep my creature comforts.

The 10^th is something I realized when I reached my wise old years – the 30s. :) It was brought on by a conversation I had with a very good friend. We were discussing mutual friends and who was an introvert and who was an extrovert. Up until that point, I was under the impression that I was an AMBIVERT. You know, it sounded cool so to say and being an introvert is almost always looked upon in a negative connotation. This is now changing thanks to social media. So all along, while my heart knew that I was an introvert and that I regained my energies in solitude, my ego never let me admit it. And when he told me that I was an introvert, for a long time, I tried to defend it. But like I said, in my previous post, acceptance is the first step to everything. When I accepted, and embraced the fact that I was actually an introvert, it didn’t really seem so bad, you know. So, what?  We have our good qualities and our moments, except that most happen in solitude or with a very small group of people. Quality over quantity you see! ;)

So that’s me in a nutshell, as of now, for you ;)

And for some reason, I hope these qualities of mine never change. And that I will keep adding more as the years go by.

One can, of course, always hope can’t they ;) 

A.C.C.E.P.T.A.N.C.E.

Of the person you are and what makes you, Y.O.U.

Of shortcomings that you have tried many a time to change. Of baggage that weighs you down.

Of fears, flaws and failures. And of awareness of those debacles.

Of understanding the puzzles of the jigsaw, trying to see the bigger picture.

Of knowing that some paths may not always lead you down the road you want. 

Of the middle road that you embark on trying to strike a balance.

Of the journey that has been, the one that is prevailing and the one that is yet to originate.

Of learning when to hold on and when to let go.

Of knowing that sometimes you have to put yourself first, and sometimes you can’t always fix what’s wrong.

Of trudging along picking up the pieces, stringing them together in the coloured shards of your life. 

Of insights that what you start may not be finished, of intuitions that what you create may not see the light.

And so, as always, here we are, in the last month of this year.  

A time for reflection, review and to look back on what this year has brought, what to be thankful for and what to learn from …

Happy December Y’All..